Spring Party Weekend is finally here. This is the final exam after months of study. Drink a hearty breakfast, bring a pen to write on people and plan to forget everything once it is over. We can’t tell you the hook-up rules of Spring Party Weekend because there aren’t any. Instead, we suggest that you reflect upon those foggy memories of hookups passed. Remember the time you ferociously rounded second base on a fully loaded Cruiser? When you woke up at DU being spooned by the entire defensive line? Or when you nailed that visiting prospie like a dirty carpenter? Some say you went too far, but a true Rowdy Raider reveres these accomplishments.
Despite “Minus the City’s” firm support of epic stories such as these, there are some sexual mistakes that are simply best avoided. These sex bloopers range from minor inconveniences, such as fumbling with the bra, to the catastrophic, such as making out with a member of the Pep Band. Mistakes can happen at any time, so be vigilant each drunken step of the way. The first major hurdle when a hook-up is imminent is getting a room. Sure, a casual handjob on Willow path may sound romantic enough for some, but for the Colgate swans’ sakes, we encourage trekking onwards. If a dorm room ends up being the loveshack of your choice, ensure that all roommates are gone or at least passed out before busting out the clubs and starting a round of bedroom golf.
If you’ve made it to this point in the hook-up smoothly, it is time to start thinking about how far you want to venture. Luckily, our on-scene reporters tell us that “this weekend, over 90 percent of the Colgate campus is totally DTF.” This means that most of your classmates, RAs, and the Colgate Mugger will probably be available to have a good time. For the freshmen who are still confused out there, think of this as the Shark Week of sex. Some guys might worry about being able to perform and meet this demand, especially while moderately or severely intoxicated. We want to remind those worrisome bros that even the most powerful case of whiskey dick can be overcome by checking out her photo wall of super-hot friends and/or mom. Then just stuff the toll-house in the pie and have a great time.
Even once the hookup is over, you are not out of the bush just yet. The post-coital phase is perhaps the trickiest one of all, and according to our polls, no college man knows what the proper procedure really is. On a normal night we would suggest pretending to pass out and hoping your partner won’t hog the covers. However, the rather special — read: spontaneous and untamed — circumstances of a SPW hookup mean you will just have to play it by ear. As a basic rule of thumb, we suggest a few minutes of intense eye contact followed by a Facebook poke.
With these general guidelines in mind, we hope you make the most of your SPW experience. Finally, this column would not be complete without a mention of the graduating Colgate seniors. After four years and four Spring Party Weekends they will be more than qualified to become tomorrow’s intellectual giants, captains of industry and talented superfreaks. Let’s send them off with a bang.