IM Sports: The Commissioner’s Report

Paul Kasabian

Allow me to add a personal note to start the Report this week. I only got to play sports under lights a few times during my star-studded sports career. As a defenseman for the Hincks Deli Blues of a P.A.L. roller hockey league, I got to pretend that I was Brian Leetch under the lights of MSG as I skated(more like waddled like a penguin) on the pavement and helped(two goals in eight games counts) lead my team to the championship. I never got to play under lights again because my football career tanked since my high school wasn’t interested in a 5’3″ wide receiver who hadn’t worked out a day in his life, but Colgate students can play 4 X 4 Football under the lights of Tyler’s Field, where the field hockey team plays. Students can pretend that they are Eli Manning lighting up the Eagles D on Monday Night Football or they can imagine themselves as former Colgate field hockey forward Amanda Gilmore scoring yet another goal against a helpless Cornell goalie.

12 teams lived out their childhood dreams last Monday on Tyler’s Field. In the Division II Tournament, the Curtis Crabs avenged its semifinal loss in 8 x 8 football by winning the whole shebang. They began the night by defeating Killer Tofu in a rematch of the first round of the 8 x 8 tournament. Tofu was angry and looking for its first IM win since the Dodgeball tournament last year. The Crabs led 27-20 and were driving down the field to score with a minute to go, but Theodore “Hot Hands” Jacques grabbed an interception and ran it back for a score. But on the very next play, Harrison Cohen caught a slant pass and took it for a touchdown, which Tofu could not recover from. The Curtis Crabs then shut out Brothers C, 28-0, in the semifinals in a relatively boring game. On the other side of the bracket, Phi Delt looked like the ’98 Vikings in demolishing Main Street, an offshoot of the famed Derrty Byrdz squad, by the score of 30-6. The Danny Tanner Experience, led by Tim “TP” Pounds and Kevin “Uncle Jesse” McCrary, defeated the eloquent Poets squad, 32-26. Brien “PUFFMASTER FLEX” Puff was still an intimidating force as ever in his all-black uniform, but it was not enough to defeat DTE. In the semis, Phi Delt went on to lose to DTE, 41-32, setting up a riveting final. In this contest, the Crabs were down big early because QB Josh Glick was playing like Brad Johnson, but Glick morphed into Roger Staubach in the second half and started making plays. A Harrison Cohen interception and some awesome catches by Andrew Schlinger brought the team back to prominence, and they took a 28-27 game.

The Division I bracket was pretty unexciting; not going to lie. Even though Los Shrimps WR David Jaffee aggravated a hamstring in the second half, his squad was able to beat the Original Derrty Byrdz, 44-22 in the semifinals. However, all was not lost for the Derrty Byrdz, as the B squad took out Brothers A in the quarterfinals by a sizeable margin that no one remembers. The Derrty Byrdz, well at least some of them anyways, then got a chance to exact revenge on a Sigma Chi team that beat them in 8 x 8. Although DB hung tight, Sigma sniper Peter Smith found Jon Gimber on too many occasions, and the frat pulled out a three-touchdown win. Sigma Chi and Los Shrimps, in yet another rematch, will play the final at a date to be determined.

Going to a different sport now, Trey Hunsucker won the individual trap shooting competition, beating out a four-person field. In the team competition, a sophomore team called “The West”, won, followed by Sigma Chi, Wild Card and 2A.

Next week, we will have an enormous IM Soccer recap. But until next time, this has been the Commissioner’s Report.