I do not have a text plan — not the expensive pay per text plan, but the actual no receiving/sending texts ever plan. When a boy asks me if I got the text he sent me last night, I always smile serenely and say no. I’m not being sexist here, but generally, when girls and my platonic male friends want to talk to me, they call. Boys of the other variety, however, like to use the least pressure-filled means of communication possible. This means that boys normally try to text me.

Alright, fine, I know loads of girls who do it too. But considering that I don’t plan on hooking up with them, I will direct my rant at the boys. Just kidding – talk to me after a couple beers and we’ll see who I’m macking on.

Confession: I did have a text plan on my international phone when I went abroad and I texted like a fiend. I got plans straightened out for the night while I was still in class and received queries as to my health whenever I had a tremendous cold from spending too much time in the ocean. All in all, it was very helpful and pleasant in terms of my platonic relationships. I even enjoyed the mushy texts my boyfriend would send me. However, it always made me wonder — wouldn’t it have been more meaningful to tell me those things to my face? I am always inclined to say yes; it would have been so much more meaningful and real had he spoken instead of texted.

Frankly, I am baffled by the practice of texting. I watch friends pore over late night texts wondering what they mean. Does “I want to see you” mean that other party wants to hang out or that they would really like to see you…naked? There are a lot of ways to interpret text messages from people of ambiguous standing. Without the inflections and subtle emotions we get with voice to voice conversations, texting can be a minefield of misunderstandings. This can get particularly hairy with new acquaintances — will getting together for a beer at Nichols lead to an intense convo about politics or a removal of panties? If you don’t know where you stand with particular person, their texts are completely out of left field for you. It’s a loser of a situation.

Furthermore, I find texting to be insulting. If someone really wants to communicate with me, I want them to really and truly talk to me. Even if it’s late at night and he’s at a loud locale, I want the effort to be genuine. If a boy wants to spend some quality time with me, he needs to man up and talk to me. If not to my face, which would be ideal, but then at least to my ears. Really, if you want the chance to see someone naked, do you think texting is the way to go? A text is a stunted, abbreviated little mockery of language. And “emoti-cons” make me want to boot. I am flummoxed as to why we, as a society, put up with this at all. Texting carries no sincerity, no real emotion – and the grammar is usually an abomination. I think that trying to score by texting your intended is indicative of an unattractive sort of smugness. It’s like saying, “I already know we’re getting togeter tonight; it wasn’t even worth it for me to bother calling.”

The last nail in the coffin is that it is cowardly and immature. Texters, I ask you: are you not macho enough to risk rejection right to your aural nerves? I know it’s way less pressure to text and see if you can get a little tonight. You might worry that you are coming off too strong or perhaps that you are indicating that you have stronger feelings than you actually do if you call her. Are you really so afraid of a little reality and connection in your hookups though? It’s not that bad to be a little close to someone you plan on being with that night. Seriously: grow up, grow a pair, and call her.

In case any of you were wondering, instant message is on the same level as texting. It’s just as spineless and unattractive as texting. I know it has many more applications, including some minor league wooing and romancing, but there are way better options on the market there. If you are in a committed relationship, you can be excused for mushy messages and whatnot, but you should not ever IM to tell someone something important. Some of you just made the ‘eww’ face out there, but those guilty people know who they are. Fix this, ASAP.

Don’t cop out on us here, boys. Texting is disrespectful to your hookup. Texting that you should “chill later,”or whatever your preferred “getting some” phrase is, is just plain cowardly. It’s so simple just to call her.