Political Sex

Allie Geiger

In the current political situation, everything about the presidential candidates and their running mates has been utterly scrutinized. Their educations, religious affiliations, health records, personal finances and their families have been mauled by the media. However, one thing has been left to the imagination: what are candidates like between the sheets? If I may, I am taking this column to speculate in a completely undignified and unacceptable manner into the carnal nuances of our future heads of state.

Let’s start with John McCain. He is a creepy old man. But in the 50s, he was a jackhammer. This section is over.

Now we can move on to Sarah Palin. I think her preferences are extremely obvious. It is apparent she enjoys a very active sex life. You don’t have five kids just twiddling your thumbs. You have to twiddle other bits. I’m willing to bet that Sarah Barracuda got it on in the locker room after Wasilla basketball games. She was “that girl” in high school, just managing to straddle the line between unmitigated slut and adorable girl next door. Much like her darling daughter, Bristol.

Governor Palin clearly takes charge in the sack. As a hockey mom, she has learned to go for what she wants — and what she wants is clearly Todd’s junk. That $150,000 did not go towards Neiman Marcus and Saks ensembles, no sir! It was a couple grand worth of sex toys for their basement dungeon in Wasilla. I would not be surprised if she owns several pairs of spike heels boots and a couple of latex outfits. And perhaps a whip. Actually, I’m terrified of Sarah Palin, so now I have to stop writing about her.

Now on to the blue side of things. Senator Biden is a true romantic. It is clear he has a gruff, business-minded side, but inside he is made of marshmallow fluff. With the way he cried at the debate, I’m absolutely positive his wife was his one and only. The night they got married, he spread rose petals out on the bed and rumors suggest that he sang Barry White to her. They were so extremely passionate that he was caught many a time on his cell phone in the Capitol participating in phone sex. I don’t like to talk about the hussy addict he’s married to now. Oh, wait, that’s McCain…

Senator Obama, on the other hand was clearly a lady’s man. He was an avid orgy participant in his pre-political life. Back in his prime, it’s a sure thing that many a groovy young chick was yelling his name. With his persuasive speaking skills, he could have talked any girl into the sack. If the proper research were to be done, we would find that there is a trail of heartbroken girls in his wake from Columbia University to the moment he met Michelle at Harvard. With her ravishing good looks, sassy attitude and killer dance moves, she was the perfect match for him. It is clear that Miss Michelle has got it going on, and she and Senator Obama keep it real between the sheets. He may have hung up his lady slaying ways, but he has not given up his charm or his sex life.

I hope this has absolutely swayed the way all of you plan on voting. This is clearly an accurate and respectful description of some of the most powerful people in politics today.