The Commissioner’s Report: IM Football

The Commissioner's Report: IM Football

Paul Kasabian

Much like Rocky Balboa’s boxing match against Ivan Drago back in ’84 or Stone Cold Steve Austin’s all-out brawl with The Rock in WrestleMania XV, the IM Football playoff games are shaping up to be extraordinarily competitive affairs for the most part. Teams are out for blood in this stage of the season, and as a result, we are seeing some heart-stopping affairs, all for the right to be called Intramural Champions, which gets a winning team a Slices gift certificate, a really nice maroon IM T-shirt and their picture in The Maroon-News.

Although I move in chronological order when describing games in this column, the Fighting Coxmen’s (eighth seed in the D-II Tournament) 5:20 game against the Brothers (one seed) last Monday deserves to be written about first because it was one for the ages. The Fighting Coxmen fought for victory like pirates waging battle on the Shores of Tripoli and took a 38-36 lead with little time left, but thanks to an incredible and acrobatic leaping catch from Charles Green, the Brothers garnered a key first down, which led to a late touchdown on their last drive to take a lead. The Fighting Coxmen tried one last play at the end of the game, but it was all for naught. In the other 5:20 game, Sigma Chi B (fifth seed, D-I Tournament) quarterback Connor Smith used his feet and his arm to lead his team to a solid 56-21 victory over a young Theta Chi (12th seed) squad that will be contending for the title in a year or two.

The 4:20 games were both blowouts, but each contest had a different storyline. Croc Hunters (11th seed, D-I tournament) QB Sam Evans ran for a jaw-dropping 65-yard touchdown, but the Croc Hunter defense could not keep up with the Beta (sixth seed) offense, as the frat pulled out a 69-41 win. Beta broke the D-I scoring record (68 points) previously held by the Blazers with about five minutes to go, but an interception and a turnover on downs on its last two drives kept them out of the overall record book. In the other 4:20 game, Eric “Ribs” Toribio, who is the Terrell Owens of IM Football for his great play, interesting celebrations and loquacious manner, led Super Bad (eighth seed, D-I Tournament) to a 42-19 victory over ninth-seeded Phi Tau. Super Bad outscored Phi Tau 28-6 in the second half to put the game away.

It would not be a hyperbole by any stretch of the imagination to say that the Colgate IM Football League is defensively-challenged, but don’t tell that to The Danny Tanner Experience (fourth-seed, D-II Tournament) and BDS (fifth seed). The teams were tied at 14 at the half, but for a period of anywhere from ten to fifteen minutes, the two teams literally were trading possessions around the midfield area, and neither team seriously threatened to score. DTE scored a touchdown with two seconds left on fourth-and-goal to send the game into overtime at 21 apiece. BDS QB Alex Willick lobbed a pass to the back corner of the end zone for a touchdown on fourth-and 20 to score on its overtime possession, and DTE went four-and-out, ending the game. BDS and the Brothers are scheduled to play their semifinal game today.

This was not the only upset of the day, as Phi Delt (10th seed, D-I Tournament) avenged a rough regular season 26-point loss to the Blazers (7th seed) by defeating the senior squad, 40-37. The Blazers were up 37-34 late in the game, but threw an interception in the end zone. Phi Delt took advantage of the opportunity and drove down the field for a touchdown that turned out to be the winning score after the Blazers failed to convert two more opportunities.

Despite an advanced scouting report sent to players before the game, Killer Tofu(seventh seed, D-II Tournament) succumbed to its Achilles Heel, the fact that we think defense is overrated (it’s just not much fun to play), and lost to the second-seeded Curtis Crabs in a squeaker, 70-49. This game set numerous records: most points in a game by one team (Crabs tied with 2007 Croc Hunters), most points in a game from both teams, most times hit in the groin on a kickoff(one, I hope I’m not the only one this has happened to though), and most plays in which a player gained over 30 yards (this happened no less than 27 times). In the other 5:20 game on Tuesday, the Commish’s D-II Dark Horse team, Victorious Secret, was losing early and often but made a very nice comeback in the end, only to lose to the undefeated That Important squad, 35-27. VS still has the best jerseys in the league, however.

It was a tale of two time slots for Wednesday’s games, as the 4:20 games brought excitement to the legions of onlookers on the field, while the 5:20 games were big-time blowouts. The Commish’s D-I Dark Horse team, Derrty Byrdz (fourth seed, D-I Tournament), aided by the power of a mysterious guy that dresses up as a big white chicken for the games, jumped out to a two-touchdown lead against fifth-seeded Sigma Chi B before hanging on for a 33-28 win in a D-I quarterfinal game. The Derrty Byrdz had a 33-21 lead late in the game thanks to a stellar zone defense led by Jon Tang-Kong, but they could not hold off Sigma B for long. The frat scored a touchdown, got the ball back after a missed field goal, and drove down the field only to be picked off. After DB went four-and-out, Sigma B had one last chance, but the DB secondary became invincible, and a fourth down pass was knocked away.

In the other game, McBlasters beat Beta, 43-42 to enter the D-I semifinals. The game was an extraordinarily heated affair, and McBlasters scored a late touchdown near the end of the game to ice it.

?It is still unknown as to why the second-seeded Los Shrimps decided not to embrace the full Hispanic origins of their name and go with Los Camarones, but the bilingual touch is interesting nevertheless. Anyways, Los Shrimps decimated 10th-seeded Phi Delt, 49-15. Like Theta Chi, Phi Delt lost a ton of players due to graduation, so look for them to be better in a year or two. In the other 5:20 game, Super Bad had a great chance to knock off the top seed Sigma Chi A after leading at the half, but they could not hold on, as Sigma Chi A won 35-14.

Yesterday’s games were phenomenal, as we saw an upset, a near-upset, and a damn good game. The upset was an offensive shootout, as That Important shocked onlookers and beat the Curtis Crabs, 48-44. The Crabs had a chance to score the winning touchdown with about two minutes left, but they decided to pull a Brian Westbrook and fall down at the one to milk the clock,. However, the plan backfired when the Crabs threw incompletes passes and its next two plays and did not score the TD. That Important will now go to the D-II Finals.

In the D-I semifinals, Los Shrimps defeated The McBlasters, 48-44, as senior Scott Tucker scored a touchdown with 20 seconds left to win the game. McBlasters WR Edan Lisovicz tore up the Shrimps defense with his incredible speed and catching ability, but it was not enough to take down Los Shrimps on this day. In the other 4:20 game, Sigma Chi A came back from a 21-7 halftime deficit thanks to a pick-six and a late touchdown to win 35-28 against the Derrty Byrdz. Although the power of the chicken did not help them on this day, the Derrty Byrdz played the invincible Sigma Chi A sqaud as good as anyone has in two years, so their efforts are phenomenal.

By the time you read this, the Finals will have taken place. For the October 24th issue, the Commish will have the Final recaps from his year-end special in which he picks the MVP, all-league teams, and other random awards. Will Peter Smith and the unbeatable Sigma Chi A team stay invincbiel, or will they fall from grace much like Gunner Stahl and the Icelandic team from the 1994 Goodwill Games? Will Los Shrimps rise to the occasion like Captain Blood, Julie “The Cat” Gaffney, Charie Conway and the rest of the Mighty Ducks, or will they fall flat on their face? Read in two weeks to find out!