I love late weekend nights. Everywhere you look, you can see pairs of Jug enthusiasts (I don’t believe in “Jug whores,” thank you very much) headed home in varying states of inebriation. It’s quite romantic, with the mist rising off of Taylor Puddle and the chapel glowing to echo the moon. That is, until you realize that none of these people knew each other two hours ago, nor will they remember in the morning. Not that I’m judging, mind you!

Hooking up is standard procedure on the Colgate campus. Maybe Bring Back the Date would manage to bring back the date if they shut their frickin’ mouths and showed off some cleavage? I’m just sayin’. This standardization of promiscuity on campus may well be cause for your personal lamentations or the goal of all your nights barring Tuesday and Sundays. (Yes, darling, I just referenced you in my column! Hi!) (Actually, I wasn’t referencing any of you, I just wanted to see how many people blushed when they read that line.) In any case, my posse and I have noticed some failings of etiquette of late. In the way of the famed Ms. Benson, originator of this Maroon-News staple, I am giving you a list of hookup hints. Perhaps these will make your hookups more satisfying, or at least less awkward.

1. When you walk in and see someone else’s roommate, say hi. I know it feels awkward to exchange pleasantries, being that this person knows exactly what you came home to do, but you do not want to ignore the closest friends your hookup has on campus. Then the next morning, you’ll be judged the unfriendly creeper. Oh, and, please don’t walk around in the shared bathroom in your damn boxer shorts. That’s another good way to alienate the roomies.

2. Find the golden medium of atmosphere. Don’t turn on the lights – try a side lamp or a delicate string of little lights. It’s the first time — I don’t necessarily need or want to see everything — but I don’t wanna be blind, either.

3. Same goes for music: not too loud, not too soft. And nothing weird, alright, Enya fans? Weird sidebar: I have a friend who used to play Steely Dan for the honeys he brought home. Surprisingly, none of them returned to his bed.

4. And one more time for good measure: noises must be mediated. Everyone likes to know that they are doing a good job, but most neighbors hate to hear the progress report. To be precise: moaning is OK, screaming not so much.

5. Shut the hell up!!! No one cares about who you are voting for. You are in bed — there are way more useful things for you to be doing with your mouth right now.

6. Hosts: keep a water bottle and some mints in plain sight, please. Morning breath is way too intimate the first time someone winds up in, omigod, you don’t even know where this is! You must have been sooo drunk last night!

7. Turn off your phone. Seriously, turn it off. One time my, I mean, my friend’s hookup took a phone call from his father at eight in the morning afterwards. There is not enough room in the paper for me to be detailing how many ways that situation is just plain wrong.

8. Boys: I have heard way too many disturbing stories about how many of you just go for the promised land once the panties are off. If I can gently encourage you to touch your lady friend’s buttons (COUGH COUGH) before trying to get to home base, perhaps you would be invited back more often. And, seriously, if you don’t know, real men ask for directions.

9. The morning after, please pretend, even if it was the worst hookup of all time, that it was excellent, you respect your partner, and damnit, you might even do it again. You must have a cordial cheek kiss and say goodbye warmly. (Story from the same kid who took the phone call: he firmly grasped his hookup’s hand, shook it warmly and brightly said “Thanks for the hospitality!” Again, not enough room for me to expound on the wrongness.)

10. Similarly: you are not ever allowed to kick someone out of your bed after it is over. That’s just rude. Wait ’til the morning. Naturally, some situations demand that you peace out on someone, but I would hope you weed the miscreants out BEFORE they wind up in your bed.

11. Ask or wait until hookup number three before you try anything off the beaten path. Some feminists have been known to kick out ass-slappers, is alls I’m saying. And let me get all of the macho excuses out of the way: asking if something is all right isn’t irritating, it’s considerate.

12. Don’t go round talking about it like ain’t no thing afterwards. You can tell your two best friends, but that’s it, alright? Everyone hates a talker. I’m like the Lorax of hookups: I’ll speak for the trees. EVERYONE hates a talker.

13. Another Lorax moment: use a condom. Yeah, I went there — again. One in every ten ‘gaters has an STI. Wrap it up, kiddies.