De Facto Surrogates Gone Wild

Christopher Neefus

Another day, another Wall Street meltdown. As the fundamentals of this election cycle become ever more incredibly stacked in favor of “Generic Democrat,” Barack Obama has indeed managed to flip the momentum of this race once again. The RealClear Politics poll of polls now has Obama out in front with 3.5 point lead. Generic polling for Congressional seats, however, shows Democrats up anywhere from six points, where Rasmussen has pegged it, to 20 points in a recent CNN/NYTimes poll. Why is Obama trailing his brethren in Congress so badly? Perhaps it’s for the same reason Democrats have lost seven of the last ten Presidential elections: their loudest, most vocal supporters are also unbelievably crude mental midgets who storm the airwaves with the offensive diatribes that always seems to backfire with independent-minded voters.

The ever-cerebral, epically punctuated pop star P!nk got things rolling in earnest on September 12, with her reaction to John McCain’s selection of Sarah Palin as his running mate. “This woman hates women,” the former Alicia Moore retorted without a sense of irony. I’m reminded of her mammoth 2006 hit, “Dear Mr. President” (what do you mean, you’ve never heard it?), in which she enlists the Indigo Girls to tell George W. Bush, “Let me tell you about hard work/minimum wage with a baby on the way/ let me tell you about hard work/building a bed out of a cardboard box/ …you don’t know nothing about hard work.” I assume this was penned in Moore’s spacious California mansion. I’m also sure Palin and Bush have taken this all just as seriously as Moore’s letter imploring Prince William to stop fox hunting. Can’t you just see the Queen indignantly emptying her bedazzled iPod mini of all things P!nk?

PETA’s most prominent supporter, Pamela Anderson, was surprisingly only second out of the gate on Palin-bashing (she needs to learn how to lead with her chest). “I can’t stand her. She can suck it!” was Anderson’s dainty take on the matter. Matt Damon was hot on Anderson’s heels, because why wouldn’t you join this veritable MENSA of Palin alarmists? He added an illuminating brand of simile to the mix, declaring, “It’s like a bad Disney movie.” I don’t think I’ve seen the animated feature in which a Republican apostate manages to get herself elected governor and turn a doomed natural gas pipeline project into a profitable reality. Or was that Mulan?

Jane Fonda was not available for comment on any part of the Republican ticket because she’s still recovering from casually dropping the c-word to a mortified Meredith Vieira on NBC’s Today. I imagine she still thinks John McCain and his ilk fabricated their tales of torture in Vietnam. Maybe he really is too stupid to use e-mail!

Luckily, Brad Garrett, formerly of Everybody Loves Raymond, was on hand at the FOX News Channel set to make up for the lack of Fonda profanity this month. Before getting to his real comfort zone, politics, Garrett reminded FOX & Friends host Steve Doocy that during a prostate exam, “if they’re massaging it, you’re in the wrong room.” Apparently, Garrett also had entered a harmonious news studio and, according to Brian Kilmeade, “started berating everybody.” I won’t repeat any of the racist and sexist comments that are always pinned to conservative beliefs but repeated by liberals for millions. Needless to say, Garrett proceeded to harass an African-American cameraman and a female makeup artist. Kilmeade’s response? “I’ve got to go. I think my career is over.” Mind you, this is all in the same interview in which Garrett endorses Barack Obama, lamenting, “I want to slit my throat. Have you been around for the past eight years?” But Garrett’s crowning achievement for the morning? Admitting he hadn’t even bothered to vote in 2000 or 2004, eliciting disdainful laughter from the three hosts. Co-host Patty Ann Brown bemusedly noted, “[Garrett] has single-handedly offended every single demographic! There is not a single ethnicity or race that you have now not offended.” Doocy added, “This is the most offensive interview we’ve ever had. Congratulations!” Like Matt Damon, I assume Garrett is morbidly afraid of Sarah Palin, having labeled her “white trash.”

Now, all those who are indeed petrified by the thought of Palin being able to break tie votes in the Senate are the same ones who’ve vowed to move to Canada each time a Republican threatens to win an election. Now, I know they all have passports because they, like, totally go on world tours all the time, so I’m not sure what the hold-up is. Thanks to global warming, though, Canada is looking increasingly welcoming to the Yentls of the world.

So, the ageless cycle continues on. After Treasury Secretary Paulson has laid another egg in the form of a bailout dubbed the “Trillion Dollar Baby” by a Rasmussen poll-watcher, Republicans continue to fumble the economy issue. And yet, McCain stays competitive thanks to Obama’s crack team of unwanted surrogates.

So, let me be third in line to congratulate Brad Garrett on horrifying America on behalf of Barack Obama. His defense for his disgusting behavior last month was, “If you think that’s bad, wait until McCain gets in.” Believe me, I can’t.