Raider Arrested After Assaulting Oregon Duck

Paul Kasabian

It happens every day. We sit down in front of our television sets to watch the news only to watch endless scenes of violence, destruction and disaster. These scenes no doubt perturb us viewers, at least until a certain thought creeps into our minds that temporarily assuage our fears.

“That’s OK,” we say. “Nothing like that would ever happen here.”

Well, ladies and gentlemen, something like that has happened within our once-invincible Colgate bubble. Continuing the endless stream of mascot violence that has run rampant across this country like the Bubonic Plague, our very own school mascot, Raider, viciously and brutally attacked the University of Oregon’s mascot during last Sunday’s women’s lacrosse game between the two schools at Van Doren Field. The last episode continues this particular epidemic that includes a vicious row between the Oral Roberts and IUPUI mascots and the Oregon Duck’s all-out assault on the Houston Cougar within the past year.

“That was a disgusting act and I’m sorry the Colgate fans had to witness it,” President Rebecca Chopp said.

And a disgusting act it was. Oregon entered halftime with a 7-3 lead over the Raiders. As the two teams were coming back onto the field for the second half, the Oregon Duck was seen pandering to the visiting team’s faithful fans. All of the sudden, Raider sauntered over, tapped the Duck on the shoulder and delivered an axe kick to his face a la Chuck Norris in Walker, Texas Ranger. Raider then administered a Stone Cold Stunner on the dumb-founded animal. The Bewildered Duck was helpless as Raider pummeled him with vicious hooks and jabs not seen since Mike Tyson’s prime. A Campus Safety officer present on scene tried to pull Raider off the Oregon Duck, but it was to no avail. Both women’s lacrosse teams, the 205 fans in attendance and the New York State Police tried to stop Raider, but they couldn’t accomplish the feat. Finally, a SWAT team arrived in a helicopter and Tasered Raider into submission. The Oregon Duck had to be air-vacced to Mt. Sinai Medical Center in Manhattan, where he is in critical but stable condition. The Duck currently has a broken clavicle, sprained bill, five bruised ribs and a lost sense of pride after being beaten up by an ex-pirate.

Maroon-News writer Bill Stoklosa, who was at the game, described the scene.

“I haven’t seen anything like that since Ivan Drago killed Apollo Creed in the boxing ring back in ’85,” Stoklosa said. “But Drago ended up killing Creed, and the Oregon Duck left Van Doren alive, thank God.”

Rightfully so, Raider was immediately thrown into the Hamilton township jail, where is being watched with a careful eye by the Hamilton Police Chief, Mr. Jean Claude Van Damme.

“Raider has been a very difficult inmate,” the former Kumite champion exclaimed. “He won’t explain his actions. All he does is dance and move his arms and stomp his feet. Even fingerprinting was a problem because he only has four fingers on each hand and no fingerprints.”

When asked why he thought Raider assaulted the Duck, Van Damme had an interesting theory.

“Well Raider came in here with bloodshot eyes, so he might have been intoxicated,” Van Damme noted. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s an alcoholic, for Raider spent a lot of time on the high seas as a pirate before coming here, and pirates were known drunkards. But we can’t use our breathalyzer on mascots, so we’ll never know for sure.”

When told that Raider’s eyes have always been blood-red, Van Damme changed his theory.

“It has to be ‘roid rage than. He must have gotten some andro from the Club Baseball team.”

Raider’s court date is set for April 12th. He is being tried for assault, battery and cruelty to animals.

On campus, the outrage over the incident has not settled. Wide-sweeping changes are being made to the Colgate University athletic scene, for the Board of Trustees and the Colgate administration has deemed that the nickname, “Raiders,” will no longer be used.

“We want to wash away the memory of this incident forever,” President Chopp said. “Plus, the term “Raider” was too politically incorrect to begin with. It is too violent of an image. Furthermore, it disdains the memory of great pirates like Sir Francis Drake, Jack Sparrow and Willie Stargell.”

The Board of Trustees, the Colgate Administration and the Colgate Athletic Department recently met to decide what the new nickname of the school. Names such as Rainbows, Seals, Smiley Faces, Fuzzy Things and Teddy Bears were thrown around, but ultimately, the school decided that the name, Trees, is the best fit.

“As part of our campus’ drive to go Green, we decided that the Colgate Trees is our best option,” President Chopp noted. “Our mascot will be that random tree that sits closest to Andy Kerr Stadium.”

Meanwhile, Raider sits alone in a Hamilton jail cell waiting for his day in court. The Colgate Maroon-News wishes him the best of luck.