The Best of Minus the City 07-08

Kimmy Cunningham and Erin Bergman

Ok, so your roommates’ idea of a social activity is playing Xbox Live with a seven-year-old in California and a 44-year-old in Bangladesh. This is not an excuse to fly solo over the next few years. Grow a pair. Even if you pit out at the idea of talking to a girl, take a shot of tequila and approach your object of affection.

For “The Nature Lover”: If you are into the outdoors but weary about PDA, fear not, we have the travel package for you. We know it’s creepy to hook up on a path legendary for founding marriages, but this legend does not extend to the surrounding flora… the old and new golf courses provide ample opportunity for working on your drive (whether it involves a club or a condom). If you prefer romance over sports, the top of the old ski hill is an excellent locale for stargazing and observing the booming metropolis that is Hamilton. Orion’s belt may be the only one that stays on.

There are literally thousands of amazing Halloween costume combinations at Colgate: a bunny and a hunter, a tampon and a pregnant nun (or a vampire, gross), George W. Bush and a member of the Taliban, ketchup and a hotdog, … Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, pregnant Britney Spears and a dirty Martini and the list goes on (NOTE: we have, in fact, seen examples of every one of these costumes). Even if the man of your dreams is not dressed in a complementary costume to your own, there is no excuse [not] to … grab that hunky Umpa Lumpa, tell him he’s been naughty and have your way with him.

Phone sex… Fortunately, we happen to know of a secret remedy that has been used by distance-stricken couples since the days of Alexander Graham Bell: Tequila. But seriously, folks, do whatever it takes. The result is worth the potential awkwardness.

First-years, this question is for you: How many of you returned home for Thanksgiving break and proceeded to knock boots with an old flame from high school? You are not alone. Upon our return to Colgate, we both sat down over warm cup of chamomile tea (straight tequila) and blurted the age-old phrase, “Oh my God, guess who I hooked up with?” Yup, you guessed it: Our ex-boyfriends… Why did we do it? Well, folks, it’s fun.

Lesson learned. If every Tom, Dick and Harry are “visiting your Netherlands” on every Thursday, Friday and Saturday (respectively…or concurrently), you probably deserve your Ph.D. in bedroom activities… Really, if you want to “play doctor” with him on the first night, do it. If after ten hook-ups you’re still not into it, don’t. Letting someone “put Percy in your playpen” shouldn’t be a numbers game.

College is a lot like elementary school. We all need nap time, we snack more than we did when we were in kindergarten, we have to eat dinner at five o’clock or we get cranky, we insist on traveling in packs and sleepovers are still our favorite activity. And despite any improvements in the realm of flirtation we may have made between junior high and high school, this is the area where we have regressed the most. Welcome back to the fifth grade. While our vocabulary has expanded and the dialogue has become wittier, the underlying themes of our flirting resemble our interactions on the playground. For example, you may have a crush on a guy, but flirt with every person of the opposite sex, except your crush. Even if this primitive form of flirting actually works and you bring him home, the teasing continues in the bedroom. Clearly you’re attracted to one another and you both want to be in bed together, but for some reason, you feel the need to pretend like you have better places to be. Though an obvious joke, comments such as, “I mean, you’re not even that cute. I’m basically done with you,” are definite examples of fifth-grade flirting.

The nice thing about ski vacations is that you’re sure to meet people with similar interests: speed, endurance and co-ed apr??s-ski activities. Because most people aren’t pulling a Sonny Bono, and make a concerted effort to stay sober at least until noon, you might need to put a little more effort into pursuing that hot ski bunny you met on the chair lift (aka she’s not going to drunkenly fall into your lap)… so buy that hot, shaggy-haired guy at the bar a beer.

So we’ve mentioned your winter hibernation pounds, at this point you’re probably getting sick of the gym but it’s still a little cold and soggy to run outside… According to calorielab.com, “Aerobically, a half-hour romp in the sheets burns approximately 150-200 calories, and sometimes even 350 calories if you are really frisky.”Think about it: which sounds more appealing, 30 minutes on the Eliptical machine or an hour in bed? We know which option we’re choosing.

[W]hat makes a bad kisser? For starters, less is more when it comes to the tongue. I’m not a bowl of milk and you’re not a cat. Don’t lick me up. At times using a lot of tongue can be hot, but you really have to know what your partner likes. Until then, be a minimalist. Secondly, just as you are not cat, you’re also not a bird. Constant/forceful/painful pecking is awkward and uncomfortable. Third, it very well may be a hot and steamy kiss; however, this is not an excuse to drool into your partner’s mouth.

Spring Party Weekend is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. Pace yourself accordingly.

Remember that we live in an actual town. Our professors and community members reside around us. Don’t pee in other people’s yards.

Do it for the SPW story: Jump in Taylor Lake, Jell-O wrestle, start up the crowd-surfing, watch the sunrise, etc. This is the last big weekend of the year, make sure to live it up.