A Frosh Look For the Bitter Cougar

Mike Abrahamson

It feels like every issue of The Maroon-News this year has at least one article in it about the sexually frustrated plight of the senior female. Littered with self-pity and odd sexual euphemisms, these articles lament how desperate senior girls are getting, because Upperclassmen are leaving them for girls barely out of high school while they are left flirting with Townies.

It was also mentioned that the same is true for first-year guys like myself. I know that the article “Does it Really Suck to be a Senior Girl?” used a “battery of statistical tests” which used surveys to conclude that it first-year males and females are equally satisfied with their love lives. Really, though, has any 18-year-old guy ever accurately reported on their own sex lives? W. I’m sure that plenty of guys my age say that every Jug night they’re bringing home two or three girls at a time, but the reality is our best and brightest are being usurped by those crafty upperclassmen, who have better lines than “What’s your FSEM?” I don’t blame them at all, of course, next year I’ll be in the same position. Even this summer I’ll be hitting on high school Seniors (or Juniors… Okay, freshman.) It seems like there is an obvious solution to all of the sexual frustration at Colgate, though. If the freshman guys and senior girls both have trouble getting with other people…why not get with each other?

I know all of the Senior girls right now are as disgusted with this idea as the freshman guys are excited. Try to suspend your prejudices for just a little bit though. There are plenty of good justifications for why hot senior girls should get with first-years. Trust me, I spent plenty of time thinking them up.

First of all, there is no logical reason for there to be such a taboo on older girls getting with younger guys. The opposite is completely expected and encouraged. This double standard is just another example of inequality between the sexes, or something like that. Frankly, I’m disappointed that feminists aren’t up in arms about this. Or maybe they are, honestly, I’ve learned to pretty much tune out anyone who holds a clipboard. But maybe if we made this an election issue, more young people would turn out and vote. I don’t know, I’m not a political scientist. The fact is, though, senior girls should socially be allowed to lock it up with anyone they want, even if the age difference might be illegal in some states.

Another main reason that the illustrious senior-girl-freshman-guy-hookup is so rare is because of our lack of experience. What’s overlooked here is our raw sexual enthusiasm and energy as a class (only the admissions office has the exact statistics on this.) Sure, we might not have all the moves, duration, or ability to grow facial hair that the older guys do, but we are willing to spend serious time on you. Besides, the senior guys you’re used to are what, 21 or 22 years old? They’re basically geezers compared to us, they’re probably impotent. At very least they’ve drank and smoked their way completely out of athletic shape. Senior girls, next year you’ll be in the real world starting the whole process over again, dating older guys with jobs, lives, full-on mid-life crises, maybe even families. A virile young man could give you a little bit of excitement before you go off into the real world, which is most likely less Sex and the City and more Office Space.

I’d even say that senior girls should go as far as dating us. We could spend much more time on you, seeing as we don’t have any commitment to frats yet, aren’t concerned with careers, or even graduating really. To be honest, we spend most of the week counting the hours down until the next Freshman Jug night. We’re used to high school relationships; we’d be willing to listen to you bitch about your life problems for hours without even thinking about getting some. In turn, you could fulfill your fantasy of manipulating and changing the guy you’re with until he is exactly as you like him, we won’t object. You could depend on us for loyalty and dedication, and we could depend on you for bragging to our friends at home and telling us where McGregory Hall is.

Getting with Freshman guys will even be great for your resume or grad school application. Stay with me on this one. Imagine if all the hottest Senior girls turned to us first-years for regular action, and the College prowler hears about it. “Colgate University is full of surprises, when you first arrive be ready for beautiful scenery, great academics, and a plethora of sexy and willing 22-year-olds stalking the Freshman residence halls.” All of a sudden our male applicant class is the best in history, Newsweek starts calling Harvard a “New Colgate,” and your new degree is worth even more than what you paid for it. Regardless, as you can see from my flawless argument, you senior girls should start locking it up with us, if you know what’s good for your future.

So, senior girls, the next time you’re about to spend another fruitless night lonely at Nichol’s, maybe you should think about coming back to the Jug, instead. Make sure it’s on a Monday or Thursday, though, I’m 18 until May.