Minus the City – The Travel Brochure

Erin Bergman & Kimmy Cunningham

Tired of prude roommates and creaky box springs? Did your last hookup leave you thinking, “been there, done that/him/her”? Sick of John Jug knowing the names of your last five conquests? Let us introduce you to some of the more exotic, but often neglected destinations for your next sexual adventure. We understand that your Colgate “Fantasy Island” is not a one-size-fits-all. Thus, we have tailored several “hot spots” to specific personalities. While these suggestions are not all results of personal experience, they are absolutely tried and true. Let’s begin the tour.

For “The Bookworm”: We know what you’re thinking, we just got a brand new library. Although a rendezvous between the stacks may seem cliché, we have other suggestions. As you may have noticed, there is a missing first floor of Case Library. The first floor, officially titled Periodical Room, is definitely up-and-coming. The privacy and abundance of dark corners make this a prime quickie location before a study session. And if the library isn’t your bag of tricks, there are always the Andrew’s Dungeon or the Cutten study spaces located on each floor. (Note: For upperclassmen, it is appropriate to relive your favorite 19-year-old fantasy.) And as a last resort, most classrooms are open until the wee hours of the morning. Careful, though, all classrooms in Ho are brightly lit and checked personally by Campus Safety.

For “The Exhibitionist”: So you’re thinking, “I spend enough time in the library. Why would I hook up there?” We hear ya. If you’re uninhibited and unopposed to the idea of being sensed (seen/heard/felt/smelled), these are the places for you. Let’s state the obvious: The Cruiser. If the Cruiser seems tacky and overdone, set your sights higher, literally. Although we’ve never personally seen it accomplished, several Greek houses have flat, yet inviting roofs. Consider this: a little candlelight, perhaps an Aero-mattress and of course, an audience of inebriated peers on their way home from the bars. For the especially daring, may we suggest: The Quad. Day or night, you will be caught. Colgate is renowned for having one of the most beautiful campuses in the country; why not see it from every angle?

For “The Nature Lover”: If you are into the outdoors but weary about PDA, fear not, we have the travel package for you. We know it’s creepy to hook up on a path legendary for founding marriages, but this legend does not extend to the surrounding flora. The large willow tree next to the bridge provides excellent outdoor romping grounds — plush, green grass, a babbling brook, and best of all, no one can see you from any angle. Try it if you don’t believe us. Also, the old and new golf courses provide ample opportunity for working on your drive (whether it involves a club or a condom). If you prefer romance over sports, the top of the old ski hill is an excellent locale for stargazing and observing the booming metropolis that is Hamilton. Orion’s belt may be the only one that stays on.

For “The Vagabond”: In the mood to plan a vacation a little further from home? We have just the place. Getting RustyRailed is one of our favorite pastimes. Canastota is the new Cancun.

Finally, for “The Child At Heart”: Hamilton Central Schools has kindly provided Colgate University students with endless opportunities for sexual positions, via their wondrous playground. Tire swings, monkey bars, bridges, slides…you name it, they have it. For the sake of decency (and the fact that many of our professors have children who attend this school), please keep it in your pants until after dark.