The following is one of the greatest conversations I’ve ever had with a boy:

Him: Can I please just come over and we’ll talk about it?

Me: No, I’m really tired. I just want to go to bed.

Him: Is this one of those times when you tell me not to come over but you actually want me to?

Me: …I…can’t answer that.

Him: See you in five.

Very few girls can sleep on a pea. Chances are if she says she just wants to go to sleep, something’s up.

Perhaps it’s the prospect of leaving for the summer or perhaps it’s just that we’re all overtired, but the presence of pointless biting comments between Colgate couples always increases in the spring. As girls become seemingly more difficult, boys remain clueless, and it’s time we sort through the mess that ensues after such a dangerous combination.

An impending split can render a girl desperate for reaffirmation that the boy will just die without her, and she’ll poke and prod him until he tells her what she wants to hear. But she will never ask directly. Half of the time, she doesn’t know the question anyway.

Yesterday a friend of mine asked her boyfriend if he would come over and watch a movie with her. He said he would be there at ten. An hour and twenty minutes past the original ETA, he sat down next to her on the futon and figured she was just in a quiet mood. Mid-way through the movie, she stood up and said, “I’m gonna go to bed,” and then, stretched out under the covers, proceeded to stare at the ceiling for over an hour. When he finally tiptoed into the room, he crawled into bed next to her, faced the other way, and fell asleep. She pushed his arm to wake him up. She was furious. He figured she’d been asleep.

Boys, when a girl becomes difficult – especially during the season when we’re wondering if your thoughts of us will disappear when we do – the situation can usually be salvaged with affection. Tell her why you like her – again – and the biting comments and useless fights will most likely disappear.

But girls, don’t expect boys to read your mind. You did, after all, tell him you were going to bed, so you can’t expect him to translate that as: “Damnit you were late, but if you act really happy to see me I’ll stop caring.” You’ve got to say what you mean instead of being mean and waiting for him to hug you. Try to think about what’s actually bothering you, and if it seems trivial, it’s probably not worth staring at the ceiling.