The Weekly Tail ‘Gater: How the Superbowl Could Go…

Mike Nanna

If I were a brave man, I might analyze every aspect of this Sunday’s Super Bowl and try to come up with a bold prediction for the outcome. Unfortunately, I am a coward and therefore will be giving my take on what could happen based on what I’ve seen from both teams.

1st Quarter 15:00: Phil Simms reminds us all how special it is to have two coaches of African-American descent coaching against one another in a Super Bowl.

1st Quarter 6:54: The Bears cap a 12-play, 80 yard drive with a bruising Thomas Jones plow into the end zone. Peyton Manning appears a little flustered. Phil Simms reminds us again. Bears 7, Colts 0.

1st Quarter 1:10: The Colts take the ball from their own 25 yard line and march down the field, scoring on a skinny post to Reggie Wayne. Peyton celebrates by ripping an invisible monkey off his back and sticking his tongue out at Eli, who is seated comfortably in a luxury box next to Archie while sipping a strawberry daiquiri. Phil Simms reminds us again. Colts 7, Bears 7.

2nd Quarter 10:24: Adam Vinatieri kicks a 36-yard field goal. Yawn. Colts 10, Bears 7.

2nd Quarter 6:17: For the first time all night, a commercial makes me laugh out loud. Not surprisingly, it is one of those Cavemen commercials. Geico 1, Everyone else 0.

2nd Quarter 4:37: Robbie Gould kicks a 42-yard field goal. I go and check my e-mail. Phil Simms reminds us again. Colts 10, Bears 10.

2nd Quarter 1:05: Just as it appears Peyton is going to give the Colts the lead, he underthrows a fly route to Dallas Clark, which Bears safety Danieal Manning promptly intercepts. As Manning scampers down the sideline, he laterals the ball to linebacker Brian Urlacher, who barrels over a humiliated Peyton Manning on his way to paydirt. Peyton stomps his foot and kicks the grass with emphasis before trudging off the field. Bears 17, Colts 10.

Halftime: Shannon Sharpe comments on how potent the Bears offense looks (Bears quarterback Rex Grossman has not yet completed a pass) as Dan Marino and Boomer Esiason look on in disbelief. James Brown quickly ends the awkward silence by making a joke and the studio hosts spend the rest of the halftime discussion laughing.

3rd Quarter 11:45: Colts tailback Joseph Addai breaks free for a 42-yard touchdown run and DOES NOT taunt Urlacher on the way. Colts 17, Bears 17.

3rd Quarter 3:58: Rex Grossman completes his second pass of the game. It happens to be a 35 yard touchdown pass to Bernard Berrian. Go figure. Bears 24, Colts 17.

3rd Quarter 1:37: Peyton Manning appears in his 42nd commercial since the game started, this time endorsing Cialis. Peyton Commercials 42, Other Commercials 41.

4th Quarter 12:34: Adam Vinatieri kicks a 48-yard field goal. The Bears don’t bother to send their defensive unit onto the field for the kick. Bears 24, Colts 20.

4th Quarter 12:22: Bears rookie Devin Hester takes the kickoff 103-yards for a touchdown. Peyton Manning is spotted on the sideline taking a swig from a flask while smoking a cigarette. Bears 31, Colts 20.

4th Quarter 6:09: Inexplicably, Bears Head Coach Lovie Smith strays from his no-throw game plan and allows Rex Grossman to throw on 3rd and three from his own 28-yard line. Proving his critics right, Grossman throws a wounded duck straight into the arms of stunned Colts safety Bob Sanders, who sprints into the end zone. There is life. Bears 31, Colts 27.

4th Quarter :03: After getting a stop from his defense, Peyton drives the Colts down the field, resembling the weathered field general of the regular season. After eating up nearly four minutes of clock, Peyton huddles his team just two yards from the end zone. Manning brings his team to the line, calls hike, drops back, and drills a strike into the outstretched arms of Marvin Harrison, whose quick out route simply resembles football perfection. Now we get to talk about Peyton’s “legacy” for the next year or so. Nice. Colts 34, Bears 31.