Minus the City – Vibrator, anyone?

Cary Reed

A friend of mine has keys to Olin Hall and she likes to hook up in the basement. While I’m not necessarily turned on by lab rats or scanning electron microscopy laboratories, I do admire her determination to mix things up a bit. You might prefer the outdoors or the library or a Superman cape or flipping through the Karma Sutra and bending your boyfriend’s leg accordingly, but the point is: we all have sexual fantasies. Sadly, though, we do not have enough sexual realities.

Most of us are too lazy or scared or embarrassed to pull an enormous vibrator out from under our bed and say, “Here you go. Just strap this around your leg and hook this part up to your foot and we’ll be all set!” And even if you do take the time to buy a sex toy, chances are small that you’ll want to put the breaks on the we-just-got-nakie phase to run across the room for a feather tickler. But here is the bigger issue: depending on your relationship to the person you’re hooking up with, how do you tell them that you have a feather tickler in the first place and that you’d actually really like to use it?

If this is your type of fantasy, you can’t just slip a cock ring on the guy and hope he doesn’t notice. At some point you’re going to have to bring it up. The same goes for role playing, obscure location changes, etc.

But first you’ll want to assess the situation. Is this a person you’ve hooked up with only a few times? If so, how much do you like them? Chances are, if you’re hoping for something long term, you’ll be too afraid to step into strange territory. The sex is still new, so just enjoy it. Figure out his likes and dislikes and sharpen those skills before branching out.

If what you have is just a hookup buddy, this may be the best situation to try new things. You have nothing to lose.

If you’re in a relationship, trying new things is extremely beneficial. When humans are in lust, the brain secretes what senior Andrea Kozak calls, “kinky sex chemicals,” (dopamine and norepinephrine) responsible for the feelings of bliss, excitement and craving. Humans in love secrete different chemicals — oxytocin and vasopressin — responsible for creating bonds and deeper connections.

For whatever neurological reason, the secretion of love chemicals interferes with the secretion of kinky sex chemicals. And if a situation occurs where all of the kinky sex chemicals fade, you might wake up next to him or her one day and wonder what the hell you found so sexually appealing. But if you mix up the sex routine, the excitement factor will ensure that kinky sex chemicals aren’t gone for good.

In any situation, be confident. If someone turns down one of your fantasies, come up with another, or ask for one of his or hers. If he or she turns down all of your ideas, don’t despair: you probably wouldn’t have enjoyed the sex much anyway.