Minus the City – To the Guys:

Cary Reed

“Girls are way too complex. You all need to chill out,” a guy friend said to me yesterday after fighting with his girlfriend. “You think too much and you get upset too easily.”

In the movie Spanglish, Adam Sandler grabs his wife’s boob and jiggles it before walking away to playfully reconcile a serious argument. Naturally, she’s pissed. Is this considered complex? I would have thought it common knowledge that jiggling the boob of an angry girl who’s trying to make a point is counter-productive. But for the sake of the male sex, I suppose it does no good to be irate without explanation.

“We’re not that complex,” I told him. He laughed. For the next two hours I tried to explain that a girl only overanalyzes things and becomes seemingly complex when she’s unhappy, and that it actually takes very little to keep us happy. “Yeah, right.”

Take note, boys. While our happiness is not born from beer, a football game, and something naked standing in the same room, it is primed from things that are just as simple. Unlike boys, we also have the ability to bank these things and call on them later, making the happiness last longer than four quarters.

“But buying flowers or something takes time and money,” he complained. While finding you on our doorstep in the cold and rain holding flowers does sound appealing, a girl knows that the probability that you will sacrifice your manhood to flowers and frostbite is equal to the probability that she will stand naked for you during a football game. I guess we all have our dreams. Still, happiness doesn’t have to come from dropping cash or downplaying your masculinity.

Say something nice and mean it. A girl can take a compliment and store it for months making the guy look like an eternal stud. Telling a girl that she is pretty is free, and it takes less than a few seconds to make her smile for a few hours. Just remember to be genuine; overdo it on the praise and we’ll call you a faker.

Keep your word. This doesn’t mean she won’t understand if something comes up every once in a while, but a boy can’t let’s-get-coffee-tomorrow a girl for an entire week. Men, imagine kickoff is at two: you call your buddies, buy the beer, someone brings chips, you do your hair and then hop in the recliner. Wouldn’t you be pissed if the game were moved to next Thursday?

Do something unprompted. If you’re going to call us at nine, you can still text a “Hi,” at 4:30. Men tend to overlook seemingly small gestures such as these, but women really appreciate them. If you really want to know how to make a girl happy, show her that you took five seconds out of your day to think about her. It’s not hard, it’s not complex, we will be happy, and it all takes less energy than jiggling a boob, which is probably what you’ll get to do in the end.