The Weekly Tail ‘Gater: Cardinals Have Magic

Mike Nanna

The Cardinals don’t have a ton of talent. Unfortunately for their Motown counterparts, this inferior bunch of ballplayers has a great chance at stealing the World Series title. The reason, with apologies to those of you who already heard this in my article last week, is, quite simply, destiny. Luck. Karma. Whatever you want to call it, it’s just the Cardinals year. Here are two specific reasons why the Cardinals will come out on top.

The first reason might strike some as ridiculous but just hear me out. The Cardinals will win the World Series because of Jeff Suppan’s beard. Can another remaining player in the playoffs even sport something that compares to the furry love nest surrounding Suppan’s otherwise plain face? Perhaps beards can’t help a player in the warm summer months (explaining Suppan’s overall lack of success during the regular season) but come fall, that facial bush will keep him warm when the rest of the players are absolutely freezing. In addition, Suppan’s beard will command the support of the great Chuck Norris, who will be watching the World Series in between killing wild boars and sleeping with supermodels. As all of you know, what Chuck Norris wants, Chuck Norris gets. What he wants is a Cardinals victory for his brother in facial hair, Jeff Suppan.

Nonetheless, some might argue that Chuck Norris will only play a role in Suppan’s starts, but not the other games. This might be true but the Cardinals have another supernatural force on their sides: the baseball gods. They don’t tend to favor those who cheat and the Tigers happen to have a huge cheater on their team in the form of Kenny “Sticky Fingers” Rogers. The man blatantly violated an explicit rule and went unpunished for it. This will not go over well with Stan Musial and his friends hanging out in baseball heaven. Look for him to have his buddy Babe Ruth put some Ruthian power in to the hands of the St. Louis hitters when the time is right. Seriously people, it’s going to happen.