10/15/04: We should embrace the freedom to live in a society where talking about sex is getting increasingly less taboo. We need to talk about sex, read about sex, write about sex, and maybe, if the timing’s right and the person is right, do it.
9/3/04: Every hour required to keep that long distance relationship healthy is one fewer for the here and now. You may have unlimited nights and weekends in cell-phone-minute-land, but your real life nights and weekends are valuable, precious investments in your Colgate experience. And call me old fashioned, but physical contact is uber-important.
9/10/04: Although sorority recruitment can sometimes be as dramatic as drunken Jug encounters with the guy-you’re-kinda-hooking-up-with’s ex-girlfriend, both normally work out well in the end. Both are typical college experiences intended to be fun. And both have the potential to turn into something lasting and worthwhile – although the odds are much better with a sorority than at the Jug.
9/24/04: Just because we’ve revolutionized the way we communicate doesn’t mean anything goes. Although the boundaries between online courtship and real life relationships have grown increasingly blurred, all the uploaded pictures in the world can’t tell you when an alleged Mr. Nice Guy is really Mr. I’m Really Horny and Weird Guy.
10/15/04: My friend Ryan thinks, for example, that I’m a nymphomaniac, and I know this because he told me so (more than once). I guess this is the side effect of planning a sex week, writing a fluffy column that occasionally mentions sex, and of, in general, not being afraid to talk about sex. Or, he might just want me.
10/29/04: Where will be a few years from now, when outfits like Sexy Broadway Tuxedo, Dr. Feelgood, and Boxer Babe have lost their luster? I can just imagine the next wave of costumes, sure to include gems like SAT Proctor Gone Wild or Sexy Moses.
11/12/04: And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The only thing more fake than 70% of female orgasms (true stat!) is the myth that females always want a relationship. To be honest, we would probably initiate a lot more booty calls if we didn’t have to worry about the recipient acting like we’re crazed relationship-stalkers all the time. This is one night of college debauchery, not A Walk to Remember.
1/21/05: That a drunken Colgate spit swap ended not with a walk of shame but with a legit date is almost as strange as the notion that, apparently, upstanding Colgate students are now bribing others into sharing their sheets. Is the new going rate for a late night blowjob a ride across campus and the promise of an omelet?
2/4/05: If you initiate the hookup and your partner consents, you should also be prepared to initiate the sexual activities. For example, it would be a sexual faux pas to beg someone to come back to your bedroom and then wait for them to go down on you. It’s like a dinner party; the guest should always get served first.
2/25/05: Fortunately, plenty of Colgate students still respect the ancient art of courting: harmless flirting, a fancy date, the eventual hand-hold. Unfortunately, they all live in East Hall.
3/25/05: Rival candidates Preston Burnes and Amy Dudley present a similarly disappointing image. To avoid lumping her in with all the middle school humor, it’s worth noting that Ms. Dudley is abroad this semester so I can blame it all on the men. Just kidding. But seriously, if two girls produced a flyer that said “Blow Job” in 150-point font they’d be dismissed as promiscuous floozies faster than you can say “double standard.”
4/8/05: Regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, not everyone wants to see you making out in public. Forget the famous park-side picnic kiss in “Cruel Intentions,” and limit your lip lock to locations where people expect it, like the Jug. Or Sigma Chi.
9/9/05: You can yes-yes-yes all you want, but you’ll never have good sex unless you learn to open your mouth. Vocal chords are the new genitalia.
9/30/05: Like airplanes, people get off in different ways. Speed, handling and size of the plane impact how fast the mission’s accomplished. One woman’s orgasm might be just a tickle for the girl next door.
10/14/05: One roommate estimated it takes approximately ten fake orgasms – during which, you slowly introduce more complicated maneuvers to the beau in question – before he’s built up the skill set required to cause a real one. That’s a lot of batting practice.
10/21/05: So, what foods can heat up your sexcapade? The cucumber makes an obvious choice, and veggies are fine for masturbation and partner play so long as you wrap them with a condom to bar pesticides.
11/4/05: In the world of wide webs, Internet video has a special and not-so-distinct connection with sex. The word “webcam” alone reminds me of those unwelcome porn-in-disguise IMs from Bambi6969 and company: “Hey hun, my roommates and I are all alone, please cum visit us on my webcam!!!”
Because people are free to explore whatever kind of sexuality interests them, they find validation for fantasies they previously considered strange (“Hmm, I’m not the only one who likes to have sex to the Sound of Music soundtrack…”) and have become more comfortable chatting about their sex lives.
2/10/06: For some, sexy is an attitude. For you, it’s extra get-ready time and a few shots of Jager.
2/24/06: Let’s “put it” like this: he didn’t reach for the Kleenex and she wound up with sex juices all over her stomach. Ew. Unfortunately, my sources report that men everywhere have picked up this Pollock-like technique from pornos, as if an uninvited Ol’ Faithful could be somehow construed as appealing/desirable. I’ll clarify as clearly as possible: no, no, NO! Get yourself a tissue, bitch!
3/24/06: This is not a spring break story – it’s even worse. I returned to my room a few nights ago to find this note from my roommate specifying a potential column idea: “Yesterday I saw in the Coop a couple sitting on each other’s lap – passionately caressing and kissing. But the kicker was when the boy removed the girl’s shoes and socks, gave her a massage, and – I kid you not – sucked and kissed her toes. People eat here!”
3/31/06: After the obligatory facebooking (“Dude, she’s not bad…usually you get so drunk you hook up with ugly chicks”) they move on to something more exciting. Last night’s girl? So last night.
4/22/05: It’s been a good year for sex.