Freakin’ Freaky Sex

Elisa Benson

Does anyone really have freaky sex?

I’m not talking black leather and whips here – though that counts too – but simply about the stream of sex tips lurking behind every Cosmo or Maxim headline. I skim these articles with mock-serious intrigue, fascinated by their ability to continually publish “99 new ways” to heat up my sex life. Apparently the grand vault of Possible Sexcapades has yet to run dry.

But as I read these articles, after about the first ten tips in the “beginners” section, some of the tricks get so complicated I feel like I should take notes. Or maybe bring the mag with me on my next Saturday night to consult for any in-the-moment questions. Maybe I’m sexually illiterate, but I have a hunch I’m not the only one who forgets when I should be licking instead of flicking or grazing instead of massaging. Am I supremely bad in bed, or is the Samantha (a la Sex and the City) style hookup a Cosmo-created conspiracy?

I do not believe in the heat of the moment, anyone actually asks, “Baby, would you rather do the Side Slide or Randy Rider?” And taking ten minutes just to assemble said position o’ intercourse kills the mood faster than getting walked in on by your parents. To avoid this potential problem the next time you get it on, here are a few signs your sex position might be more porn-inspired fantasy than real life workable:

1. It requires an illustration. Obviously everyone’s favorite part of sex tips is the pictures. But if the position is incomprehensible without a diagram, it may also rate low on the Remember-ibility and Actually Has a Potential of Happening During a Random Hookup scale.

2. There’s a step-by step methodology for accessing said position (“First, slide your right leg…”).

3. The description contains mathematical terms / equations (eg, 45 degrees, obtuse angle, hypotenuse…).

4. Even with a pic, you have to mark it out with a platonic friend before comprehending what exactly goes where.

5. The position contains prerequisites (eg, mastery of position 4, gymnastics experience, thorough knowledge of The Joy of Sex).

6. And finally, positions so intricate one or more partners are forced to question, “is this the right spot?” signify your body language of choice may be a bit tongue tied.

Although these six steps discard about ninety percent of potential hookup embraces, I have great news. Googling “sex positions,” unveils a link to a 24-question quiz designed to determine your ideal sex position. The site sticks to the basics – nothing so complicated you’ll suffer a case of performance anxiety. And by allowing users to rate whether they agree or disagree with such topical questions as “you have an exercise routine” or “You are Republican,” surely the answers are foolproof. I always say, if you can’t remember a library of sex positions, at least remember which one fits you best.

So this is a call to cut the complicated canoodling and just KISS – keep it simple, stupid. The secret to good sex isn’t about positions or gimmicks or flexibility (okay…so flexibility is up there), but about communication. Good lovers know what feels good for themselves and their partners. So don’t fret if karma sutra viewbooks leave you wondering, literally, which way is up. You can still be a freak in bed without an instruction guide.