Minus the City: Finding Your Tinderella

Erin Mincer

There are few combinations better than these staples: peanut butter and jelly, Slices and ranch, wine and Tinder. A typical weekend in my apartment goes something like this: my roommates and I open a new bottle of wine, catch up on episodes of our latest TV show (“Bachelor in Paradise” anyone?) and furiously swipe through Tinder. While I will admit that I am no longer on Tinder, I cannot help but peer over my friends’ shoulders as soon as they open the app.

Often times we are all in agreement about whether or not a guy should be swiped left or right. However, on occasion, there is a guy or two that leads to a tremendous debate. What causes such a discrepancy? I decided to examine the issue further. Out of this research I have created the perfect guide to boost your tinder game.

Profile Pictures:  As a rule of thumb, have as many guys in your pictures as possible. This reminds us of our days playing Where’s Waldo, so it really takes us back to our childhoods. Really make us work to figure out which one you are. Bonus points if you have the same guys in every single picture with you. Keep us guessing. We love a guy who is mysterious. Also, it shows that you have friends. 

The more shirtless mirror pics you have, the better. Try to include one from every bathroom in your house. This makes us feel as though we are already at home, in your home. We know you’re trying to make it seem like you’re not flexing, but it’s obvious you are. Don’t worry, we find it so endearing!

But we aren’t only interested in your body, because that would be shallow. We also need to make sure you have a good face. Please try to include several selfies, but they need to be taken mere inches from your face. Also, the more awkward the cropping, the better. We don’t really care how your forehead

looks anyway.

Bios: Now on to my personal favorite. This is the part that really lets your awesome personality shine through. Be witty and fun. Let us know how you really feel. Below are some of my favorites, courtesy of my roommates:

“You touch my beard and I will touch your butt.”

“I’m a tatty daddy … Please do not swipe right if you’re ‘curvy.’”

Consider borrowing one of the options previously mentioned. They are all good examples of being direct and not beating around the bush. If there is anything that 21st century girls hate, it is romance. Try to be as explicitly sexual as possible. Get straight to the point.

Include your height – we need to see how you compare with all of our other matches. The importance of the Tinder bio does not solely apply to men. We girls want our personality to shine through as well. One of my dear friends had the following as her bio for quite some time:

“If it go down in your DM, then baby boy, you lucky …” (and you already know the rest). 

All I can say is, man, did the matches start rolling in. As this shows, when you’re lacking all creative fervor, quote one of the greatest thinkers of our time (such as Nicki Minaj).

The First Message: Once you put all of these tips to work and you finally get a match (you’re welcome), it is time to make a move. As with the bio, try to be as overly sexual as possible. If there is anything girls hate, it’s being spoken to in a kind, normal manner. If you aren’t feeling quite that feisty, a generic “hi” works just as well. Girls love when guys message first and then give them literally nothing to work with. It really thrills us to fight to keep up a conversation that is almost certainly going nowhere.

Following Up: If the banter fizzles out (as it undoubtedly will), please feel free to message us several months later on a random Friday night at 3 a.m. No need to extend the already painful conversation. A simple “u up?” or even “dtf” will suffice. Don’t feel bad if the first girl you message doesn’t answer. You have all your other matches that you can send the exact same pickup line too.

 If all else fails, there’s always the Jug.