Hello again, Colgate! As this is the beginning of the last semester for which I will be
writing this ever-informative and joy-inspiring column, let’s skip all the niceties and get
right down to it.
The Tinder craze has officially hit my apartment. Okay, maybe just my room. Now,
before you all judge, I know that at least half of you have it as well because I’ve seen you
on it. (Swipe right, “amirite?”) Anyways, my short time on this endlessly amusing but
also slightly terrifying app should never ever be made public under any circumstance.
So, in the spirit of Christmas (a month late, but there are still Christmas lights up in my
living room so save your criticism for someone who pays more attention to the calendar),
here are five tips on how to have the best Tinder experience ever. Author’s note: these are
based on my experience only and you should never follow this advice unless you’re okay
with embarrassing yourself in front of strangers.
Nail the tagline. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people have messaged me to
tell me that they think my tagline is hilarious. (Yes I can. There were two.) It’s the perfect
way to display your personality in 500 characters or fewer, so basically it’s helping to
prepare you for writing your personal statement for your grad school apps. Who knew
Tinder could have real-life applications? Highlights that I’ve seen include: “Just trying
to find my Tinderella” and “Promise to lie about where we met.” So get creative, and
you’ll be raking in the matches faster than you can say, “Why the hell am I doing this?”
Don’t drunk Tinder. Ever. Because there’s nothing more disturbing than waking up
on Sunday with 12 new matches with guys whose pictures include shots of them holding
a strangely small shark or taking shirtless selfies that were clearly done while standing in
a public bathroom. Unless you’re into those kinds of things. In which case, bottoms up.
In the wise words of Amy Poehler, lower your expectations. Because it’s more likely
than not that their taglines include serious grammatical errors or blatant misuses of the
English language in general.
Brush up on your pickup lines and fun facts. Fan favorites range from, “Did you
know that polar bears are left-handed” to, “On a scale from one to America, how free
are you tonight?” One of the two may have led to a marriage proposal, so, you know,
these bad boys have been road-tested for your personal enjoyment and ultimate success.
I share because I care.
Don’t solely use group photos. Seriously, don’t. It’s extremely confusing and I feel
weird messaging you to ask which one of you is really you. Not that I won’t do that, but
I’ll just feel weird while I do it. Also, this is the most innately superficial app that has
ever graced my iPhone, so please don’t make me have to try. If I wanted to do that, I’d
just go on JDate.
And that’s that, dear readers! If these helpful how-to’s don’t make you want to bring
yourself down to my level of shameless man-judging, then I don’t know what will. Just
remember: safety first, and when in doubt, just swipe right.