Boys are a lot like ice cream. Well, they’re a lot like some other things too, but for now let’s just focus on ice cream. They come in all different sizes, shapes and flavors and everyone has their favorites. Some prefer soft-serve while others like hard. A lot of people have a favorite ice-cream shop that they visit whenever they’re feeling “the urge.” And there are even some who couldn’t care less about the flavor they’re eating, but are more preoccupied with the size of the cone.

Similarly, when it comes to boys, most people I know have a certain “type” they prefer. Sometimes a “type” is all personality traits, sometimes it’s all physical and sometimes it’s swirled. I have chosen not to write about my own personal “type” in this article, because I am a very private and conservative person (lolz). So, instead, I have recruited some self-proclaimed “boy-experts” to share with me what they find attractive in a guy. From their responses, I have determined that I need to find different friends.

Type #1: Illiterate. Yep, it’s the truth. Some just really can’t resist a boy who can’t read good (and wants to learn to do other stuff good too). Personally, I like it when a guy can read “Where The Wild Things Are” to me after a fine dinner of cereals and candy corn, but others have different values, I suppose.

If you’re into boys with a similar lack of intellectual capacity, it may mean that you have a very warm and nurturing disposition, which is why you seek out gentlemen who require above-average care and/or monitoring. Or it may just mean that you need to hike up your standards. If your boyfriend can’t read “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” to your baby cousin, he’s too dumb for you, bro.

Type #2: Scruffy. If you’re into boys with a little bit of something-something going on in the facial hair area, you’re in luck this month. Movember (also sometimes referred to as “no shave November”) was invented just for those with this kind of “type.” Some are very picky about the specific kind of facial hair they prefer: mustaches, goatees, beards, the list goes on. Regardless, if you’re into the typical furry male, you’re probably a freak in the best way. You have some very animalistic tendencies and would probably join a cult if you could. Well, maybe not that last part. Anyway, to each their own.

Type #3: Dirty. I would like to make sure that everyone understands the difference between “scruffy” and “dirty.” “Scruffy” is essentially the opposite of “clean cut,” while “dirty” is just the opposite of “clean” overall. Scruffy boys have beards; dirty boys have ketchup in their beards. Nevertheless, this is exactly what some need to be attracted to a dude. Whether the dirtiness manifests itself in going weeks without a shower or wearing the same unwashed sweatshirt for months on end, dirty boys are becoming more and more accepted in today’s society (and into some bedrooms as well).

Type #4: Names. What IS in a name? This type actually came as a shock to me, but apparently it’s a thing. Sometimes, all it really takes to make someone interested is having the right name. I have at least three BFFLs (all of whom requested that both their names and their name fetishes remain anonymous) who have hooked up with several boys of the same name. Coincidences? Maybe, maybe not. Alls I know is that if your name is *$&$@, #*^^ or @!*&, holla at me and I’ll set you up with one of three VERY pretty ladies.

In conclusion, no matter what your type is, wear it proudly and do what you do. If you like short boys with green eyes, great! If you prefer them big and brown, that’s fine, too! But remember to keep your options open. You don’t want to miss out on something great just because he doesn’t have a tattoo of an eagle on his forearm.

Contact Paige Schlesinger at [email protected].