On the Necessity of a Zipline to the Jug

Eric Reimund

How lucky we are! We are members of the first generation for which the world has shrunk to a pinpoint, or, more appropriately, a pixel. Computers have reconfigured our lives on a very basic level, giving us immense scope for pursuing our individual whims. Total convenience is the name of the game when we can talk to anyone, buy anything, see anything, hear anything and experience everything at a moment’s notice. Well, perhaps, quite a few moments notice, considering Colgate’s infamous wireless, but please excuse this brief digression.

The phenomenon of widespread instant gratification creates certain expectations in our peers, and considering the not so insignificant financial contributions made by our parents (ludicrous tuition rates, donating classrooms and buildings, etc.), the school must respond to our whims and not the other way around. The sheer force of our desire and of our influence must explode the piecemeal and halting bureaucracy. We must combat the immovable wall of the administration with the unstoppable force of  our demands. My esteemed fellow-scholars, lovers, friends, I believe we must demand the immediate construction of a zip line from the top of the Chapel to the VIP line of the Jug.

“But, Eric,” you may well ask yourself, “what on earth are you talking about? How can something so moronic and childish ever be taken seriously?” To which I heartily respond, “Are you blind? Have you felt the rushing pulse of the student body? Have you even been to the Jug? Do you not know what a zip line is?” Super awesome is what it is, if you’ll excuse the familiar tone. I would know, I ran one at a children’s camp this year, and I’ve never seen anyone so excited as these little tykes being pushed off the platform.

What bearing does my experience at a camp for four to twelve year olds have on a college campus filled with the minds and bodies of budding young leaders, major construction projects and, most fundamentally, the spirit of Colgate? Well, as any number of Jug bangerz will tell you, on a night out the primary concern is living in the moment, acting as if tonight were your last on earth and generally getting wild and uninhibited. Our beloved bar/nightclub is regularly a corral for 18 to 22 year-old-children, for all intents and purposes, whose only aim is the immediate gratification of their whims and desires and whose thoughts pertain solely to the present moment. You can witness the phenomenon for yourself three to five nights per week.

A zipline to the Jug is this concept writ large, a beacon of childish enthusiasm and a moment of blurry, ecstatic joy. We, the independent-minded and responsible young adults of the Colgate student body, for all our undying allegiance to the school deserve AT LEAST this small concession by an unfeeling and misguided administration; an administration which will not see the pure truth in our request. They’ll probably just keep wasting our money on things like camera batteries and chargers for the Maroon-News.

Oh, wait.

Who’s going to clean up all this mess?

Contact Eric Reimund at [email protected]