Life is terrifying right now. Jump back four years – I’m a senior, about to graduate and move to a different state, much like I am now. Except at age 18, there was nothing scary about that. I had been counting down the days since getting my acceptance letter on December 13. I had no need or desire to reflect on high school; sports were great but they were over and I was ready to dive headfirst into the future. Back to now – it’s not that I don’t want to look back, it’s that I can’t.Freshman year seems like yesterday and a million years ago all at the same time. Occasionally I’m flooded with nostalgia for my old triple in Andrews and the great times we had there, but to really reflect on what the last four years of my life have meant to me is so hard. There are those typical milestones that help me mark my journey: Dancefests and breakups, joining Tri Delta and going abroad and my favorite crazy nights with friends along the way. Charles Dickens got it right when he said, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” College is inevitably alittle bit of both, but it has been a fantastic ride. I’ve learned so much, but I’ll save that spiel for my job interviews. However, my capacity for reflection right now is limited to the realization that, in the last four years that I spent trying to remain a carefree child-at-heart, I have accidentally grown up. Colgate is a special place, almost suspended in
time and space. But I might actually be ready to be a real person when they kick me out into
the big bad world. Looking back to see what I’m about to leave is terrifying. Equally scary is
looking ahead to the future where I have no job and no plan except to move back to Ohio
after graduation. The most terrifying thing of all, though, is that I am not spending my last two weeks of college reflecting or preparing. I am not even spending my last two weeks finishing off my bucket list, spending time with my best friends or living it up and making the most of the little time I have left here. No, I am spending my last two weeks of college trapped in a whirlwind of papers and presentations. I am so sleep deprived that even when I am around the people I want to spend time with, I’m incapable of articulating sentences or carrying on a conversation. Granted, that has led to some pretty hilarious interactions, but still.
This was not what I had in mind when I pictured the end of my time at Colgate. And therefore, this brief, partially incoherent reflection is all I could spare. But maybe it is better that way. In a transition that is destined to be bittersweet, I have no time to fear the bitter, and the sweet will be even sweeter when it eventually hits me as I turn in my last final exam and start the road trip to Hilton Head.
Contact Gillian Scherz at [email protected]