Prior Preparation Prevents Piss-Poor Performance. My mother has told me this saying on the first day of school since middle school. Although this saying was helpful when getting homework in on time, this year I take a more mature approach to its meaning and apply it to my sex life. Only one’s preparation can truly make for a satisfying boning experience.

Prior to returning to school we’ve all had time to make sure our tans were up to par and complete “Kanye’s Work Out Plan” to loose those extra pounds from fraturday, but there are a couple of other things that need to be taken care of before partaking in the hook-up culture here at Colgate. To begin with, there are new haircuts we should all have had done before returning to school and I’m not talking about your bangs. A man is more likely to “hook, hook and dive” on Saturday night if you’re nice and smooth.

Those of you who weren’t able to take care of this before school, JJ’s salon does a nice Brazilian. I hear you can even get a vajazzled vagina of the Raider to show your ultimate school spirit. This same haircut can also be applied to men; trust me women are way more likely to want to lick your lollipop if you’re trimmed down south. Not only will she enjoy taking you to the candy shop but your package will also appear larger. You’d rather she choke on your little man and not a hairball. It’s a win-win situation for everyone.  

I think the most important way to train for the upcoming season of scraping Rowdy Raiders off the Broad Street Boardwalk is the ability to handle one’s alcohol. Some of us have more years of training under our belt than others, but getting too drunk to have satisfying sex with our peers would just be a straight crime to our parents and the amount of money they spend to send us to Colgate. There is nothing more disappointing than leaving the Jug after a night of dry humping and getting into bed with a guy who has whiskey dick. This is possibly one of the worst plays a rookie can make at Colgate.

It’s not just men who run into these issues when they’ve played too many rounds of beer pong. Girls can also be victims of overdrinking themselves to the point of becoming fish out of water when it comes to the late night bang. I probably should’ve taken Alcohol.edu more seriously freshman year after falling victim to this embarrassing fate in the past.

I also believe in order to have a truly satisfying sex life you must personally be in touch with your own needs. A guy is going to be way more likely to give you that “O” if you know how to get it yourself. I’m not saying to draw out a treasure map for him to find your gold but at least be able to point him in the right direction.

In closing I’d just like to thank my mother for all those years of advice at the start of a new school year. I knew I’d eventually put it to good use.