The Commissioner’s Report: IM Softball Showdown

Paul Kasabian

Look down at your watch. Do you know what time it is? It’s time for the IM Sports Commish to speak arrogantly in the third person and offer brilliant insight on the state of softball! This week we are going to start with the season preview. Next week, we are going to have the Players of the Week come in and do video interviews, broadcasting live in front of millions on the Maroon-News website. But for now, here are some predictions and previews.

League A: With apologies to Sigma Chi A and B, the division title will come down to who wins the round robin between Heavy Weights, Norbs and Cabezas A. Heavy Weights features seniors on the varsity football team, and they can rake. One of them will most certainly win the Eric Tupta award for longest home run of the season and my vote is for seniors Tyler Spencer or Carlton Walker to do that. The Norbs take a huge hit after losing senior David McIntyre to professional hockey. Co-captains seniors Jason Williams and Ethan Cox need to replace McIntyre’s bat, glove and emotional and spiritual leadership. Luckily the team will not have to replace the excellent pitching, witty sarcasm and umpire abuse of Cox, who will definitely win the Cy Young award again this season thanks to his knuckleball.

Perhaps the Commish should rename the Cy Young award after Cox. Cabezas A is scary, as they have a few players from the 2008 champion Los Shrimps, which the Commish claims is the best team in the history of the sport. Kevin “King” Macios and Matt “Big Baby D” Donovan will lead their team to at least a third place finish. Sigma Chi A and B should be good, but I think the winner of that matchup will finish fourth. Senior Pete Smith, the best non-varsity athlete at Colgate, will lead the Sigma Wolf Pack this season to success. Varsity basketball players Nick Pascale and Brett Marfurt are Sigma B’s stars. Most of the team evolved from the West Hall Wizards, which was a solid Division II team last year. Phi Tau, by process of elimination, brings up the rear, but I wouldn’t count them out from making noise in the playoffs as a potential dark horse.

League B: Cabezas B is the early favorite. Led by Bergen Catholic High school great Geoff “La Catrina” Hauck and Jon “JOOSE” Lampert, Cabezas B should win their division. However, the race for second is wide open. Phi Kappa Tau Boom Squad features former D-II Cy Young ace Mitch Waxman on the mound, so they should do well. If Barry “Bad As I Wanna Be” Rothbard is playing for Beta, expect that fraternity softball team to be entertaining and somewhat divisive at the very least. The Sigma Chi Riverhounds have some solid seniors, including Jersey native Jon Gimber. Theta Chi Gold has a good mix of upperclassmen, and seniors Jon Bryer and Chris Grisalfi should do well at the plate and in the field. Wu Tang Clan moves up from Division II, and they are led by Chris Dell’Amore, who will be good for a couple home runs this year.

League C: The half-blasphemous, half-hilarious Phi Tau Jesus squad will win this division. I have no basis for this decision; I’m just going with it because of the name. Nice Time Guys is a squad made up of some rugby players, and they should finish high in League C. Sack Lunch is the only freshman team in a top division, so they will be intriguing to watch this year. Balls Deep was a D-II squad last year that is moving up. Phi Delt A and Theta Chi Dolphins are complete wildcards. Phi Delt B and Cabezas C will be moved up to the division after this week. Senior Brett Butler and junior Eric Conocenti lead Phi Delt B with their tenacious bats, while Cabezas C is led by senior Josh McLane and junior Michael Cruz.

League D: $crubbz defeated Miller High Life 5-2 in the only League D game so far as of Tuesday night. First-year McLain Roth has a solid glove at shortstop, and classmate Andrew McCormick pitched a slow-pitch gem. It remains to be seen how other first-year squads Gate & Company, No Gloves-No Love and Childos do. The epic Charging Rhinos squad, otherwise known as the Blue Diamond Society, will finish in the top-two of the league.

League E: I’d Hit That is largely composed of members of the D-II runner-ups Dunkin Donuts from last year, which made a miraculous run as a ninth-seed. However, my favorite in this league is Victorious Secret, led by sophomore superstars Bo Montanye and David Kuntzman. The secret is out on this team, for they were runner-ups in D-II volleyball and beat I’d Hit That 12-1. Mighty Dutch is a first-year team, the Prince’s Juice is largely juniors and the Comets are a mix of professors and staff, showing that this league runs the gamut.

League F: Woah. Killer Tofu won a softball game? That we did, as my squad beat Staff Infection 14-3. I came through with a solid infield single and some motivational support out on the field. Tofu and SBW, the women’s hockey team, should fight it out for first. Defenseless Baby Seals is a fantastic team name, and they will most likely fight Das Annex and the Sultans of Swat for third along with Staff Infection.