Last week, while sitting on the couch eating unfrozen pizza and masturbating to the Olympics, we had a realization: there is no shame in getting hot and bothered by so many fit people in skintight bodysuits. The Winter Games have brought physically-gifted people from around the world together for one thrilling action-packed event. In fact, our reports tell us that there haven’t been this many excited young people on a pile of white powder since the Jug bathroom last Friday. Although we all enjoy the Olympians for their superficial sexiness, there is also a lot to learn from the talented athletes in Vancouver.
Bedroom lessons come from a variety of Olympic events. Ski jumpers are masters of going the distance, male figure skaters can skate both ways and Shaun White knows how to lay down the pipe. For those of you who had trouble following the Olympics while also keeping up with class, homework and the Kardashians, here are a couple of Winter Games inspirations that could improve your personal hookup style.
First, we have discovered that, except for Bode Miller and the Russian curlers, Olympians tend to compete sober. Everyone knows that apartment parties, the Jug or CORE classes are more fun when you’re almost blackout, but sex can be great with no drinks at all. Both “Minus the City” writers agree that some of the best boarding we’ve ever done has been minus the alcohol.
Next, pro-athletes improve their game using a camera – if it hasn’t occurred to you to videotape your performances, it should. Almost all Olympic athletes watch footage of themselves with analysts and trainers post-run. After filming, you can self-assess or show your roommates to see what they think. If, for whatever reason, you are self-conscious about this, you also have the option of posting your clips on the Internet. Scores of dedicated experts from around the world will be happy to provide feedback and opinions (Great camera angles! Nice moneyshot!). Or, for those who desire live commentary, try having your sexytime while on Chatroulette. Strangers will be glad to critique you and if you’re lucky you might even run into Bob Costas.
One group of Olympians we want to remind you not to imitate too heavily are the speed skaters. Apolo Ohno might be nimble and shapely, but he only goes in circles and lasts barely a minute. For the bros that might have this problem, try envisioning a Colgate cheerleader instead of your actual partner. This image might slow you down a bit.
In another daring event, Olympic bobsledding teams prove that great play doesn’t have to be merely a solo or partner routine. These athletes show that many large men can fit into a small space. Bring a few friendly DU’s home on a Saturday night and you’ll surely be in for a wild ride.
Lastly, set up a medals system to reward yourself for exceptional sexual routines. Your partner might be alarmed when you attempt a triple axel backflip off the top bunk mid-coitus, but the glory is well worth the slight possibility of injury. When it comes to sexual athleticism, remember the American spirit and always go for gold!