Minus the City: Love Story

Mat Nittmann and Ben Shope

This Sunday, February 14, is national Eat-Chocolates-and-Have-Sex Day. For freshmen who don’t know, this holiday is observed almost religiously at Colgate. Participating is not difficult. You could eat chocolates, then go out and have sex. You could eat chocolates while having sex (highly recommended). Or you could have sex with yourself – and then eat chocolates while cleaning up. These are all valid and fulfilling choices for this holiest of days.

Other common rituals include sending heart-shaped cards, wearing pink and making inappropriate candy-fueled advances on your professors. Of course, it all begins with finding yourself a Valentine. Some of the hopeless romantics out there have told Minus the City that they often get stuck in the “secret admirer” zone (also known as Facebook stalking), and that they want to have a real-life interaction this time around. Finding a wholesome date to stick your Cupid’s arrow into isn’t always easy, but Colgate’s most experienced Casanovas are known to have a few tricks up their sleeves.

First, we recommend searching outside your usual social scene, and finding someone new that you can have a meaningful, perhaps even sober conversation with. For example, try joining Outdoor Ed. Those bearded fellows might smell of the wilderness, but they are in great shape. After a week of snow hiking you’ll be most pleased to see them pitch a tent.

Once you’ve found the Romeo to your Juliet or the Pam to your Jim, the courtly love ceremony can begin. Don’t worry too much if your first crush isn’t the creme de la creme – everyone knows that you have to slay a few dragons to get to the princess.

Analogies aside, Valentine’s Day is like a romance novel come to life, making it a great time to try out your most enchanting courtship game. Telling your crush something like “Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, these Slices are Hot, and your Ass is Too” is one sure fire way to impress them.

After chatting up your Valentine, it is time to take them somewhere nice. Don’t just go with your first instinct by bringing them to the Colgate Inn; getting jiggy within two hours of eating tollhouse pie can end disastrously, like hooking up with a girl while she’s on her iPad. We prefer taking a date somewhere more fun, like La Iguana, Sushi Blues or even the Edge (only if you’re really trying to show off). La Iguana has cheap margaritas and Sushi Blues offers delicious sake bombs, but don’t forget that the Edge is BYOB.

Assuming the date goes smoothly, invite your special someone back for a nightcap. If your room is occupied (by a chocolate-eating roommate?), follow the lead of Video Art students who head for their ‘’video editing” suites with plush carpeting and soundproof walls. The legendary privacy of these rooms has led some people to call the basement of Little Hall the Red Light District of Colgate University.

Wherever you end up on this most magical night of the year, be prepared to whip out the coffee table Kama Sutra and edible underwear. Make Colgate University proud by committing acts of love that will cause St. Valentine to roll over and pop a boner in

his grave.