I think you guys need a little education on how to woo a lady. No joke. Some of you are horribly bad at it. And for the guys who are smirking thinking that this doesn’t apply to them, you better wipe those smirks right off your faces. Even if you do get in girls’ pants every night, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it right.

So, I am going to let you guys into a secret place that confounds and fascinates you – a girl’s mind. I’m sorry girls, but I feel like the boys here need some serious help. And let’s face it, we ladies wish boys knew this stuff. So, boys, I hope you’re ready. 

The beef: Buying a girl a drink DOES NOT mean she is going to sleep with you. I have NO idea who put this idiotic idea into your brains. I’m worth a lot more than the $4.50 drink you bought me at the Jug. A drink and having sex – even just hooking up – are not equitable in any world, mind or alternate reality. So if you think that the Sex on the Beach you just bought for that girl you’ve been ogling all night means that you are going to get some of that yourself, think again.

The solution: Buying doesn’t hold a candle to respect. Which do you think is going to have more influence on a girl who is on the edge of hooking up with you? That drink you just bought her? Or that time when you walked her home from the library and had a wonderful conversation? If you have treated this girl with respect before and actually have already connected with her, you can bet that she will be more willing to hook up with you because she knows you will carry that respect over into the sexual aspect of your relationship. And the hookup will be a ton more gratifying when you actually, um, know the person.

The beef: Bragging about knowing all the stats of the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics doesn’t make you automatically score. That is impressive, it really is. However, not every girl is going to share your passion for sports or video games or bodily noises. So rattling off all the random stats of your favorite hockey player does not mean she is going to hook up with you. The girl is the goalie and you need to get past her defenses.

The solution: Feel the conversation. You need to pay attention to what she is saying both with her words and her body and adjust your behavior accordingly. So, for example, you are talking about that awesome basketball game you saw last night with the guys and still cannot believe that game-winning three-pointer at the buzzer. You look over and see that the object of your affection is twirling her hair with a slightly confused look. She’s confused, not interested and definitely not having fun. Your job is to direct the conversation towards something both of you are interested in. It doesn’t have to be about Darfur or the nuances of the Constitution, but it must be something that engages both of you. If she can have a good time talking with you, good times in bed may ensue as well.

There is a ridiculous amount of miscommunication between the two sexes on this campus. So, boys, learn from this article. Girls, remind guys to follow this advice. You’ll get more satisfaction from both ends. Above all,respect yourself.

Not that I mind you buying me a drink.