For the past year or so, I’ve sat down once a week to write this very column. Each time, I spend a solid amount of time considering the different things I could write about. While I try to take the column in a different direction, there is one topic that invariably comes to mind each week, begging to be written about. That topic is the Colgate Cruiser schedule.

So far I’ve been able to avoid writing about it. It’s low-hanging fruit. Literally, everyone on this campus has an opinion on the cruiser schedule, and I guarantee you the vast majority of those opinions are negative. Do I really have enough to add to the conversation to warrant an article? Each week I mull over these questions and decide to be stronger than the temptation. So, I set the Cruiser schedule aside and write on a different topic. But not this week.

I’ve had enough. I can no longer be a quiet victim to the nightmare that is the cruiser schedule. So, with the few words alloted to me in this newspaper, I’m going to do my best to produce a critical yet fair assessment of the Cruiser schedule that doesn’t just devolve into anger.

Let’s start with an easy one. The mobile app sucks. I mean really, how much can I say about the app? It’s literally just a sequence of links followed by the world’s largest spreadsheet, but it still manages to be a daily source of frustration. Why do I have to click on five different things just to finally reach the schedule for that day? How am I supposed to keep track of what row I’m looking at when I have to swipe infinitely to the right to see the fateful words “Frank Dining Hall”? Sometimes I dream that Colgate made a Cruiser app where I can just put in where I am and where I’m going, and the quickest route comes up.

Then, I wake up and am thrown into abject despair when I realize the grim reality of the app we have.

I know some of you reading this are thinking “this guy has no idea what he’s talking about, there’s the Rider app!” To this, I simply wish I still possessed the youthful innocence that once let me believe the Rider app would solve my problem. That version of me was lost to the past after one too many experiences of being informed that the Cruiser had arrived, only to realize the Cruiser had in fact not arrived, and nor would it arrive in the desperate 10 minutes that followed as I slowly realized my fate and proceeded to sprint up the hill.

It only brings me more devastation to realize that even with the app of my dreams the experience would still be challenging at best. I’m a man of routine. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I hop on the 10 a.m. Cruiser to head up to my 10:20 a.m. class. Except for the days I don’t—because the Cruiser is too full. When I do make it on, the odds of me finding a seat are about as good as the odds Frank chicken will be cooked properly. At least I don’t live in Parker, where you’re lucky to even be allowed aboard an at-capacity Cruiser.

Thankfully, whoever plans the Cruiser route realized this was a particularly busy time and decided to address it by increasing service. Just kidding. That would be a sensible decision. Instead, they swapped out the big red cruiser with a vehicle resembling more an inconspicuous FBI van than a shuttle meant to transport students. At least that’s added some excitement to my morning routine, as I anxiously await to see which jam-packed vehicle is going to round the corner and make its way to my stop.

Contact Caio Brighenti at [email protected].