It is hard to be on the internet without seeing the phrase “Very demure, very mindful,” thanks to TikTok user Jools Lebron. Lebron posted her first video on the subject to the platform on Aug. 5, titled “How to be demure at work.” Sitting in her car before a day at work, she explains to us how we too can be demure in the workplace: “You see how I do my makeup for work? Very demure, very mindful.” She clarifies that loud makeup and revealing clothing are not demure, sprays herself with perfume and gives a last reminder: “Let’s not forget to be demure, divas.”
“Demure” has seeped from TikTok’s platform into everyday vernacular. Colgate University used the phrase in an Instagram caption to welcome first-year students. The Oklahoma Department of Transportation created highway signs reminding drivers it is “demure” to wear a seatbelt. Demure is the latest moniker for baby girls. Despite this prevalence of use, it seems to me that the word has been misconstrued and misused. The word demure comes from late 14th century France, where it was used to describe someone, traditionally a woman, who is reserved, serious and mature. Demure is historically more synonymous with matronly than “cutesy,” as the TikTok suggests.
It is interesting to me that guides to etiquette and behavior for women are trends. There is an ever-changing idea of how a woman should behave and move throughout the world. We recently came off of “brat summer,” in which lime green was all the rage and associated behaviors were just as bold. The messiness and carelessness of brat summer is a far cry from the primness of demure.
To be a woman this summer was to live in a world inundated with violence. I wonder if this rush to supposed brattiness and self-indulgence came from a desire to escape these harsh realities. Femicide became a devastatingly common feature in British news reports. Men in New York City thought it would be fun to find women to punch in the face randomly. Women risk their lives every day when taking public transportation to work — a demure and modest appearance will surely offer no avail from the dangers of the bus or train. Now is not the time to worry about being demure. Now is the time to demand action.
We should be demanding the right to safe spaces. We should be demanding safer public transportation systems and freedom from assault. We should be able to wear what we want without our appearance being taken as an invitation to sex.
But unfortunately, this is not the reality. Women bond over these traumas in a similar manner to how soldiers share war stories. My high school English teacher shared one such story of a friend who would purposefully urinate on the subway to force men to avert their eyes. A friend who recently moved to New York City told me of times she has had to seek refuge in a convenience store in Penn Station from a man who had exposed himself and was headed eagerly in her direction. Women at Colgate keep constant tabs on each other, affirming that they will send a text that they made it somewhere safe, that they made it home safe, that they are safe.
But are we ever?
Putting the phrase demure to rest is long overdue. And as much as I appreciate the creativity on Colgate’s part, we should not be welcoming first-years to Colgate demurely. They should be welcomed boldly, bursting with excitement at the possibilities ahead. If parents want to name their newborn daughters Demure, so be it, but I would encourage them to think seriously about the label they are ascribing to their infant. Girls are already being born into a predaceous world that will encourage them to subdue themselves. Their name should not be complacent.
It’s reckless to tell women to be demure in a world in which our survival depends on our independence and resourcefulness. It is time to abandon a word that comes from a far-off era of female subjugation. It is time to demand action and change.
There is no time to waste trying to be demure; it is necessary to be direct.
