Well, it’s that time again. There are only a few more weeks of school left until break, which means I have to go home soon. Damn it. See, unlike most of you out there, I kind of dread going home, which is funny because I really only go home for Christmas and summer break. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I hate my family or anything; I really do love them. Hell, they’re pretty much the only reason I ever want to go home.

I think it’s just that I’ve reached that point in my life where I’ve grown up more than my home friends and we have come to see the world differently. It’s either that, or the lack of girls there. It’s probably a strong combination of the two. See, unlike many of you, I don’t have an ex or some girl at home that I can fool around with when I get some free time.

I don’t really meet new girls because my friends are really terrible wingmen. Or they just aren’t interested in me. I’m going to go with the former as the primary reason. No, going home is really just a walk down memory lane if memory lane were a dark alley behind a Chinese restaurant where homeless people sleep.

We all have them: there are those girls that you don’t really want to see when you go home, but you do anyway. They come in many forms, but let’s just place them into the general archetypes. First and foremost, there is the good ex. Ah, yes. I know there are many of you out there who have had one or several long-term girlfriends. You may have called it off when you got to college to protect each other’s feelings, or the distance eventually got to be too much. Whatever the reason, she’s there.

Sure, you want to sleep with her, but most times she either has a new boyfriend, or she discovered herself in India and realized it was for the better that you two split. This is often met with mild disappointment and a sexual frustration that is often more confusing than anything else. It’s weird when you meet them.

Usually when I encounter this girl, we get coffee and then talk in a park until late into the night. Then when I try to pork her, she gives me a long speech about how it wouldn’t be right and it would just complicate things. I agree with her, but there are more important things at hand. Again, I’m met with failure that baffles me more than anything.

Then, there is the bad ex. I got me one of these. Sometime in your past, things really took a turn for the worst. There was probably some cheating, probably some lies. You guys probably used each other. Whatever the reason, you two just don’t talk anymore. The problem is, though, that this is always the one you see the most. I remember one time, I was out getting teriyaki and my ex lives right by my favorite place. I told myself it was a bad idea, but no, that sweet and sour chicken wouldn’t get itself.

Of course she was in line when I walked in, and with the new boyfriend nonetheless. Awkward was a nice word for it. They always try to play it off like they don’t see you at first, but obviously they do. Then they give you that fake smile and ask how you’re doing with that look that says she wants to stab you with that little plastic fork they give you at

takeout restaurants.

I made it through unscathed thankfully, but it’s always a weird feeling seeing her. Like a combination of “I kind of miss her” and “wow, my life is so much better than yours now.” Her new boyfriend is in a wheelchair. I think that makes me a terrible person, but whatever. I’m single and cynical. I’ll take what I can get.

Finally, there’s that one girl who you’ve always kind of loved, but things have never worked out. You know, like that friend who never loved you back. Or the one that was always gone during the summer so you couldn’t get that

magic started.

A good chunk of the time, you never even see this girl since her life is way more together than yours. Either way, it brings back this sense of longing that makes you think that things could have gone differently back then or that you could do something now if you tried. This usually never works, but you still try anyway.

 I really just wish that I had some girl that I could call up for a quickie when I get home because, let’s be honest; a month is a very long time. Plus, it’d be kind of awesome. Maybe I’ll get something unexpected for Christmas this year. Or I’ll just have alone time, like, six times a day. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Contact Will Hazzard at [email protected]