Augusta: Anything But Golf

Barry Rothbard

After spending my whole Sunday afternoon watching this year’s Masters, it became blatantly obvious to me that golf is more than just a sport. Watching the game with about ten of my homeboys, one who altogether refuses to watch sporting events, another who thought Angel Cabrera was Mexican, and another who has never held a golf club in his life, it became evident that golf has evolved into one of the more intriguing sports, along with curling and synchronized swimming. Let me explain why, with a little help from my friends whom I watched the event with, why golf and this year’s Masters, are and were the truth.

“I love the dirt bags who yell ‘GET IN THE HOLE’ after every shot.” In any other sport, being an obnoxious, ranting fan helps you fit in. In golf, you look more ridiculous than Farva at an open bar when you scream. And you are extremely entertaining for the viewers at home.

“Golf is just so relaxing to watch. I’m too chill right now.” Watching golf, if I dare say, is as tranquil as an hour of yoga. Unlike a standard major sporting event, no one in the room is stressed out during golf. The only people in the live audience who actually have a vested interest in who wins are the family members of the golfers. Everyone else is out their for the love of the game, and because they have man-crushes on Tiger. It’s the only major sport (sorry, tennis doesn’t count), in which people aren’t so blinded by pride for their city or team that they become overly obsessed.

“I hope Phil hits it in the water here. It’s so much better when people blow up and fall apart.” During any golf match, the underlying intrigue at play on a Sunday is that many people who have been playing near flawless golf for three days are about to fall apart. It’s inevitable. This year’s Masters certainly proved that golf is pressure packed and the slightest mistake can ruin your day. Jim Furyk was nine under and right in the hunt, until his double bogey collapse on the ninth hole killed his chances. Phil Mickelson had the best nine holes of his life, shooting a 30 on the front nine. Then, Phil promptly went back into “fatty mode”, going el draino on the twelfth, and then missing two puts my grandma-whose drive goes about 60 yards, on a good day-could have easily made. You simply never know what’s going to happen next, who will crash and burn, and who will arise from the smoke.

“Holy crap… Golf looks too dope in HD.” Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the new Planet Earth: golf in HD. You can literally see the lushness of the Bermuda grass, the beachiness of the sand, and the sweatiness of the foreheads. Even if you don’t like golf, channel your inner Tommy Chong and check out next week’s tournament.

“Damn, Tiger is jacked! I think I’d piss my pants if I had to look at him before every shot.” As if Tiger’s growl and roar weren’t intimidating enough, he now has officially developed the upper body of John Cena. And it’s clear it was affecting Phil on the back nine in Augusta. Tiger may have lost by a stroke to Phil on Sunday, but he certainly looked good doing so. Even if you despise golf (like many of you ladies out there), you can certainly dig on Tiger’s chiseled bod.

“Angel Cabrera is such a bro.” And for you less built gents (like myself), there are golfers like Angel “the Duck” Cabrera and John Daly for you. Cabrera chain-smoked his way to his first major championship (U.S. Open), while John Daly shotguns 40s for breakfast. If you don’t dig that, you’re clearly not enough of a bro to rock a pair of Footjoys.

“Whoa. Chad Campbell’s wife looks like a porn star. Kenny Perry’s daughter is lookin’ good behind those shades. Golf player’s wives and daughters are the bomb.” Professional golfers live the dream. They clearly have wives as hot as NFL stars. Except they can play till they die. Instead of getting rocked every Sunday, they get to soak up some rays, knock around a ball, and take home a couple hundred thousand dollars. And then you get to go home to your smokin’ wife. Even if you lose, you win.

“I just wasted my day watching two guys who had no chance to win this tournament. Great.” Step aside UNC-Duke, OSU-Michigan, and the Yankees-Sox, there’s a new top rivalry in sports. And it’s Tiger-Phil. On a day in which they both started out seven strokes behind the leaders with virtually no chance of winning, CBS cameras focused, throughout their five-hour round, almost entirely on Tiger and Phil’s boxing match in which “they both were knocked out in the 15th round.” And throughout the entire match, all of us kept hoping that Tiger would somehow pull it out, and prayed that Phil would snap back to reality. Likewise, Perry, Cabrera, and Campbell were, until the playoff, afterthoughts for most of the day. And they played great golf and made for great drama in and of themselves. But Tiger and Phil’s spectacle was fascinating. They were nearly irrelevant, yet their crowds were immense, while Perry and Cabrera’s gallery looked like the crowd at a go-Kart race. Tiger and Phil’s rivalry is now at an all time peak and has certainly captured everyone’s attention. And now that Phil finally topped Tiger in a way, it will only get better. If I had to guess, the next time Tiger takes the course, he will remember that he lost to Phil by one stroke in this head to head match. He will remember Phil’s giddy smirk after he continually hit his irons with more precision. The whole world will be watching. And Tiger will have his vengeance.