Commissioner’s Report: IM Softball

Paul Kasabian

Welcome back to yet another amazing edition of the Commissioner’s Report. Let’s get started with some power rankings.

1. Los Shrimps. Doesn’t look like they will ever leave this position.

2. Sigma Chi A. They make the jump from 5 to 2 after a bizarre 24-21 win over the football team.

3. Team USA and Warrior Poets. I can’t decide who is better. Both teams are playing a game that will take place the day this issue is printed. Winner gets the third spot; loser goes to fourth.

5. The Norbs. A loss to the football team drops them here.

League A: Los Shrimps all but sealed the 1 seed in the D-I playoffs with a 23-7 win over Sigma Chi A. I was worried last week that Los Shrimps had lost their immortal ways from last year; clearly that’s not the case. Sigma Chi A rebounded from that embarrassment with an awesome 24-21 victory over Team USA (the football team). This game featured amazing home runs (two from senior Peter Kosiek and one from senior Eric Tupta that never landed), speedy base running, and simply horrific defense. However, it was definitely one of the most entertaining games I have ever officiated. Team USA also defeated the Norbs (men’s hockey team) 8-7 after scoring a run in the top of the last inning in an unusually low-scoring game for League A. The Norbs solidified at least a top-five seed in the playoffs with a win over Phi Tau A, which is bringing up the rear of the back with Theta Chi A.

League A Notebook: In my everlasting quest to find out what a Norb is, I found this golden nugget on Wikipedia: “Norb was a newspaper comic strip which ran for 52 weeks beginning in 1989. The strip concerned the adventures of a scientist named Norb, who travelled the world with his assistants Jacobowitz, Rat, and Eugen the dwarf woolly mammoth.” Norb was also a character in the Japanese anime series, “Psalms of Planet Eureka Seven.” The quest continues…

League B: It’s the Warrior Poets and not much else at the moment, though I think the Heavy Hitters will make a nice playoff run. The Bulletproof Tigers (Sigma Chi B) and Phi Tau B played in the lowest-scoring game of the year (5-3), with the Kenny Powers-motivated Sigma team taking the game. Theta Chi B also is in this division, and their speed on the basepaths may help them in the playoffs.

League B Notebook: Warrior Poets outfielder/IM Sports Grand Commissioner Brien Puff eats lightning, craps thunder and pisses excellence.

League C: That Important proved itself to be quite an important crew with wins over the Blazers and Master Batters. They are now the top team in the League. The Blazers are a solid second-place team, and the Master Batters, Phi Delt and Derrty Byrdz are in a mosh pit in the bottom with no team really setting itself apart.

League C Notebook: Heaven on earth is watching or playing IM softball in late April on a sunny day in the 60’s with Phi Delt blasting music from its house. Hell on earth is watching or playing IM softball in late April on a sunny day in the 60’s with Phi Delt blasting Journey from its house. I’m glad it’s Heaven most of the time.

League D: Apparently Moses parted this league in two: The top five teams are almost equal in talent, and first place will not be decided for quite some time. The West Hall Wizards, Hebrew Nationals, Chasing Balls, Brothers A and Los Gringos make up this group of teams, and if they were to play a 162-game season with one another, I’m quite sure they would all go 81-81. Cowpernickle, one of my favorite team names this season, sits in sixth place, with the Boom Dizzles and Bare-handed Bears sitting in last, winless but not without pride.

League D Notebook: My favorite three Wizards of all time are Gandalf, Harry Potter and Gilbert Arenas, but not in that order…Los Gringos means Crazy Americans in English…The Bare-handed Bears don’t actually play bare-handed…Jaime Jamaal Mitchell is the man.

League E: The Wu Tang Clan and Balls Deep are still going strong, as they have matching 3-0 records. Dunkin Donuts sits in third, Victorious Secret and Super Hyphy are behind them, and the Comets are in last.

League E Notebook: I used to get a hot chocolate and glazed twisted doughnut from Dunkin Donuts all the time. My favorite Wu Tang Clan member? Definitely Method Man…What does Super Hyphy mean? Is Hyphy even an English word?

League F: Every day is Cupcake Day in League F, where the sophomore squad currently sits at 2-0. They have mercied QOC and Womanizer and are definitely the top team in the league. Brothers B is 3-1 and has scored in double digits every time but lost an error-laden game to Womanizer (the women’s hockey team), which is 1-1. QOC, Sultans of Swat and Unforgivable are currently winless, but the latter two teams get bonus points for having jerseys, and QOC gets bonus points for striking me out twice.

League F Notebook: I grounded out to the pitcher three straight times against Womanizer, which is now the second team in the league to sport hot pink jerseys; Victorious Secret was the first…Cupcakes are fantastic desserts.

Next week is the always-anticipated playoff preview in the Commissioner’s Report, so get excited.