The Ketchup Manifesto

Year after year, Colgate students return to school to find that changes have taken place around campus. Ironically, this year, no one really seemed to notice the new computer lab in the Coop, its neighboring WRCU sound station or the newly polished finish of the Ho Science Center. Instead, most of us noticed something that has shaken the student body to its very core — there is no more ketchup on the tables in dining halls.

Indeed, it could be said that many students are quite disturbed by the lack of this essential condiment, which is now in large dispensers and flanked by its friends mayonnaise, mustard and relish. The call for replacing ketchup and napkins (which also have been relocated) has become a rallying cry for the Colgate student body.

“I know it is supposed to save ketchup and napkins from overuse,” avid ketchup user sophomore Katherine Lovejoy noted, “but I care about condiments!”

Lovejoy’s roommate and fellow ketchup enthusiast, sophomore Cara Banta, added this comment, “There is never any ketchup! They always run out! This new system is supposed to save ketchup, but instead, kids take huge bowls of the stuff [to avoid making extra trips] and then only use a little!”

This is a staggering observation because it puts into sharp contrast the goal of the ketchup relocation and the reality that our ketchup supply is dwindling right before our eyes. The Colgate community at large must also now be aware that there are ketchup perpetrators in our midst, monopolizing all the ketchup and leaving none for the rest of us!

Keep a sharp eye out for these ruffians, students, for if you don’t, soon all the ketchup in Frank, the Edge and the Coop will be lost! We must not let the condiments slip through our fingers because of our inaction!

And in the meantime, in the spirit of democracy, liberty, fraternity and equality, let us all come together to share the ketchup like the true brothers and sisters we are, and set the example for future diners who wish not to have their tomato paste dreams dashed on the steps of Frank.