Dick Biddle Shuffles Off to Buffalo

Bill Stoklosa

After coaching the Buffalo Bills into playoff contention last year despite a string of injuries, it appeared that Head Coach Dick Jauron would be a fixture in Western New York for years to come. However, a scandal has rocked the Bills organization, which has resulted in the firing of Jauron. Just last night the Maroon-News learned that Colgate’s own Dick Biddle has been hired to replace the beleaguered coach.

Jauron, who was 14-18 in two seasons with the Bills, was caught in the same prostitution scandal that doomed former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. Ironically, Jauron was Client Number 10 in the New Jersey-based prostitution ring, sitting one spot after Spitzer on the clientele list. With the draft fast approaching, the Bills were in a hurry to fill their head coaching vacancy. Some thought that the Bills would promote from within, but Bills Chief Operating Officer Russ Brandon had different ideas.

“Even a franchise with such a rich tradition of promoting and hiring people enormously under qualified for the job could not justify prompting Offensive Coordinator Turk Schonert or Defensive Coordinator Perry Fewell.”

The Bills instead turned to the best college coach that would agree to move his family to Buffalo, Colgate’s own Dick Biddle. Biddle posted a .784 winning percentage during his 12 years at Colgate, winning five League titles and going 58-16 in the Patriot League.

Biddle was called by Bills’ 89-year old owner, Ralph Wilson, last Friday afternoon.

“Mr. Wilson asked me if I wanted to come to Buffalo for an interview,” Coach Biddle said. “I replied that I’d love to, but I asked him if I need my passport to come to Canada. Mr. Wilson than told me that Buffalo was on Mars, not Canada. He then started to rant about the spacemen that were attacking him. Then Russ Brandon got on the line and apologized for Mr. Wilson’s behavior. He also told me that Buffalo was part of the United States. You can imagine my surprise.”

Coach Biddle really didn’t know much about the Queen City before he went there for his interview with the Bills.

“I had never been to Buffalo before. I mean I’ve seen the city on Cops all the time, but I didn’t think I’d ever actually go there,” Coach Biddle said. “When I got to Buffalo, I had to ask my wife if she was sure Buffalo wasn’t in Canada because all I saw were Tim Horton’s and people talking about hockey.”

Despite his geographical confusion, Coach Biddle was immediately impressed when he pulled up to One Bills Drive.

“I was awed by the facilities, the coaches, the front office, and the players,” Biddle said. “The interview went great, aside from Mr. Wilson constantly asking us if Franklin Roosevelt was alright. They liked me and I loved the team, so I signed the contract on the spot.”

Players, coaches, executives and fans all appear excited about the hire. They all believe that Biddle brings experience, toughness and integrity. The players on the Bills hope that Dick Biddle will improve things on both sides of the ball.

“I hear Coach has got a reputation for running the ball,” star running back Marshawn Lynch said. “That’s good because if you give me the rock we are going to win games.”

Perennial disappointment Josh Reed was also thrilled by the Biddle hire.

“Few people know this, but I’m psychic,” Reed said. “Coach Jauron focused too much on my inability to catch a pass to save my life, but Coach Biddle believes he can use my psychic powers to counter Bill Belichick’s hi-tech spying equipment.”

The Bills, who struggled offensively last season, will need a boost on that side of the ball if they hope to qualify for the playoffs for the first time in almost a decade. Coach Biddle thinks the pieces are in place to get the offense back on track.

“We’ve got a good young quarterback in Trent Edwards, a good receiver in Lee Evans, a phenomenal running back in Marshawn Lynch and a solid offensive line,” Coach Biddle said. “We just need a solid strategy and some more weapons for Trent to throw too, and we’ll be gold. My hope is that we’ll have an offense that’s good enough to win a game in which our defense forces six turnovers.”

When asked about the upcoming draft, Biddle offered no hesitation about who he would draft.

“Though the additions of Marcus Stroud and Kawika Mitchell were nice, I think we still need some help on defense. I think we’ll look to take Mike Gallihugh, who played for me at Colgate last year with our first pick. He’s a tremendous athlete.”

For the most part Biddle was solid throughout his inaugural press conference in Buffalo, though he did make one slip up when asked about the team’s plan to play one regular season game in Toronto for the next five years.

“I think it’s great that the Bills will be able to get used to their new home before they actually move there. I mean it will be great to help expand the Bills’ television market,” Biddle said.

Despite the mistake, hope is running high that Biddle can deliver the fans of Buffalo a much sought after playoff birth.

“Just get us to the playoffs is all I have to say,” Bills fan Dan Stoklosa said. “We haven’t been to the playoffs since that stupid Music City Miracle and I want to be able to think about another heartbreaking playoff loss for a change.”

Following in the footsteps of many Buffalo castoffs before him, Dick Jauron took the opportunity to give Buffalo a hearty kick in the groin.

“Sure Buffalo’s a nice town, if you compare it to Newark,” Jauron said. “McGahee was right when he said the only thing to do there is going to Dave and Busters. I’m actually happy to be going to the slammer.”

Before heading off to prison Jauron will be staring as Skeletor in the upcoming Sci-Fi original movie Skeletor vs. Reptar. Back in Hamilton, the search begins to replace Biddle. No news yet on who the replacement might be, but whoever gets the job will sure have some big shoes to fill. By the way, April Fools!