Minus the City: Guide to Skivvies

Erin Bergman and Kimmy Cunningham

While sitting around with a bunch of our guy friends this weekend, we were pondering the possible subject of this week’s Minus the City. When we asked our compadres’ opinions, the boys responded in unison: Underwear.

NOTE: The word, “panties,” will never be used in this article. Or in this column.

So here you have it: The Boy’s Guide to Girl’s Underwear. We have included several varieties of female undergarments for your learning pleasure. To the ladies in the audience: Please do not be offended by any observations made throughout the article; there are obvious exceptions to the bylaws of the “p-word.” Furthermore, we do not claim to be experts on the subject, but we wear our fair share of girls (and sometimes guys’) underwear.

The first things to know about a girl’s intentions concerning “unmentionables,” are material and color. These two elements have a certain air of ambiguity. While certain colors and materials directly imply sexuality, one should rule out the not-so-obvious choices. Not all women look great in a g-string. Therefore, if a girl is wearing plain cotton Jockeys, don’t assume she’s not in the mood. Many women choose undergarments based on body-type, and no two women are the same shape.

Now onto specifics. An obvious option is “The Little Black Thong.” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this one out, boys. A girl commonly wears this specific type of lingerie on weekend evenings. She does not plan to return home…until the next morning (See “Walk of Shame Etiquette,” September 7 issue). However, every girl has her preferences. So if during your Thursday morning 8:30 lecture you happen to see that the girl in front of you is wearing a lace g-string, don’t assume she wants to jump you in front of your professor. Ladies: this trashy look is obsolete.

Next comes “boycut shorts.” While the thong is most directly associated with sex, lacy boyshorts certainly have appeal. This type of underwear is quite controversial: they look fabulous on some girls while for others, disaster strikes.

Now for the underdog: “Plain Cotton Bikini Cut.” This classic type of underwear has a certain Je ne sais quoi. The girl-next-door appeal is undeniable; bikinis are the most flattering (i.e. the reason actual bikinis emulate their shape). Moreover, variety is the spice of life; thongs can be slightly overrated. In the immortal words of an anonymous member of our sorority once said, “I used to love them, but now I can’t wear them. It’s kind of like when you eat too much of something and then you can’t look at it. I’m over-thonged.”

Finally, there’s the au natural option, or as we like to call it: “Sans Skivvies.” Boys, unless she’s wearing tight-fitting formal dress, you can assume the worst on this one.

The important point when it comes to underwear is that ultimately it is for a woman’s comfort and self-confidence. If a girl has a hard midterm or a lunch date with an ex-boyfriend she has no intention of hooking up with, the red lace Hanky Panky’s are sometimes the only remedy. So boys, hit up the local Victoria’s Secret (closest location: Utica’s Sangertown Mall) and buy your girlfriend something pretty.