The Best Valentine’s Horoscope You’ll Ever Read

Rather than regurgitate the same Hallmark holiday hoopla you’ve already read in one magazine or another, I’m dedicating this year’s V-Day column to heart-day horoscopes. I can ensure this is new material because I just made it up.

Aquarius (1/21-2/18): Another year older this month, Aquarius. Birthdays always trump V-Day on the holiday hierarchy, so get selfish with the gift giving and treat yourself to some chocolate.

Pisces (2/19-3/2): On Valentine’s Day, it’s important to remember that there are two types of people in this world: those who think the famous Disney scene where Lady and the Tramp slurp up the same shared spaghetti noodle is romantic, and those who can’t eat Italian food without shivering at the memory.

Aries (3/21-4/20): Forget venturing to ‘Cuse for a table for two and try a home cooked candlelit dinner instead. (Don’t actually light the candles, or Campus Safety will get mad).

Taurus (4/21-5/20): Nothing cures a blas?e attitude toward V-Day like a brand spanking new sex toy. Unfortunately we live in Hamilton, so you may have to get creative.

Gemini (5/21-6/21): With all this love in the airwaves your drunk dialing impulse will worsen, so clean out your phonebook to prevent a bad-news booty call. Oh, and cut back on the crunking.

Cancer (6/22-7/22): When it comes to shameless flirting, Valentine’s Day is a get-out-of-jail-free card. (When it comes to everything else, you’re on your own).

Leo (7/23-8/22): Remember when Reese showed up at the Golden Globes in the same Chanel Kirsten Dunst wore three years prior? Yeah, that’s kinda like how you wear the same jeans, shoes, and hairstyle every time you hit the bars. Change it up or your valentine won’t be able to pick you out of the crowd.

Virgo (8/23-9/22): Remember: whoever coined the phrase, “looking for love in all the wrong places” was clearly talking about the Jug.

Libra (9/23-10/23): For some, sexy is an attitude. For you, it’s extra get-ready time and a few shots of Jager.

Scorpio (10/24-11/22): If your love life has been something of a soap opera lately, ask yourself: Am I the one who creates drama? Then, remember, usually when you have to ask yourself questions, the answer is yes.

Sagittarius (11/23-12/21): Don’t be ashamed if your sweetie is Slices. Instead, feel bad for all the people who have to say no to garlic salt.

Capricorn (12/22-1/20): This February 14, a mysterious stranger who only speaks to you in sexy French phrases will walk into your life eager to fulfill your every fantasy; or you’ll spend the evening eating leftovers while doing your homework.