I’m halfway through the third chapter of the reading for my 10:20 when my housemate pops into the living room, all excited. “So my friend’s hooking up with this guy…” she begins, trailing off for a sec to make sure I’m listening, “and he starts to, you know, finish himself. Which is fine. But she can tell he’s getting close, and she keeps wondering where he’s going to put it…”

Let’s “put it” like this: he didn’t reach for the Kleenex and she wound up with sex juices all over her stomach. Ew. Unfortunately, my sources report that men everywhere have picked up this Pollock-like technique from pornos, as if an uninvited Ol’ Faithful could be somehow construed as appealing/desirable. I’ll clarify as clearly as possible: no, no, NO! Get yourself a tissue, bitch!

Just a few days prior a girlfriend admitted she’s pretty sure her recent male hookup couldn’t locate the clitoris if he had a naked body, an anatomy book, and a flashlight. (Don’t laugh, Colgate men, this could be you). Due to some kind of self-fulfilling evolutionary-macho-man complex, however, many men hesitate to admit weakness and thus compensate by displaying their strength, as if their inability to pinpoint the little guy will be masked by zealously rubbing in the general area. Most of the time, not the way to go!

These sexual mishaps tempt me to issue an emergency addendum to last semester’s hookup etiquette, but instead I’ll attempt to address the root of the problem. Focusing solely on relationships, I may have failed to notice that the Colgate sex scene is nothing to write home about. It seems every woman I run into has a sour sexcapade to retell. The truly alarming discovery is that many of the hookup handicapped seem totally unaware that their toolset is rusty. In other words, there’s a good chance you may be bad in bed (and that this column is about you) if:

-your idea of foreplay involves a blind grab of whatever’s warm, moist, and within arm’s reach

-you think it’s weird/gross to own sex toys

-you believe “jackhammer style” is something to shoot for

-your partner has ever pushed you away while kissing, gasping for air (soft, gentle kisses -good; feeling like your head might get swallowed = bad).

-a comparison has ever been made between you and a dead fish

-you don’t want to get your face wet when you head to the nether regions

-you stay quiet as silent prayer time in church

-the ability to Facebook the hottest kids on campus has deluded you into thinking you might actually get with them, and thus you immediately write off all other hookups as decidedly B-list

-you’re lazy, unobservant, or selfish

-you depend on sex columns for sex advice

In reference to this article’s opening anecdote, I also feel compelled to reiterate that you’d never come to a party without an invite – and thus its uber uncouth to come on your partner without first inquiring. Shame, shame.

Yeah, so it’s possible a thing or two on this list sounds like you, and it’s even more possible that you’re the last one on campus to know. The silver lining is, I don’t really believe anyone is bad in bed, only inexperienced – which, fortunately, has a pretty straightforward fix.