As we all know, there are always different sides to a story; everything is a matter of perspective. Let’s look at some situations that occur pretty frequently at Colgate:

Scenario one: It’s approximately 4 a.m. and you’ve just stumbled into bed after a long Saturday night of partying. By about 4:30 a.m. you’re in a deep slumber. Unfortunately, at 4:31a.m. an earsplitting siren-like noise fills the air around you. The consequences of ignoring the blaring noise are not worth fighting Campus Safety over, so you groggily climb out of bed and join the growing crowd of equally groggy students cursing whoever “set off that damn alarm.”

Scenario two: You’ve been out partying all night and 4:30 a.m. doesn’t seem like any time to end it. Your BAC is a little higher than it probably should be (maybe that power hour wasn’t such a good idea), and as you stumble into your dorm to see if anything’s still going on, you find it hard to resist the allure of that shiny red handle that says…well you can’t quite make it out, but it sure does look pretty…

If scenario two sounds all too familiar, I have a few things to say to you.

First of all, resist the shiny red handle. As amusing as it is the first time around to have to evacuate the dorm in the middle of the night, fire drills quickly lose their humor when there’s 3 feet of snow on the ground and the person standing next to you looks like Frosty the Snowman. Second of all, do not touch the fire extinguisher. Though it may seem like an exhilarating experience to twirl it around, I would ask that you do it on your own time (or not at all because it’s really not that exciting). Believe it or not, something like that can make the alarm go off as well. Thirdly, be respectful. We all love to have a good time, but most of us don’t define a good time as standing in the cold wondering if anyone else’s fingers can turn three shades of blue, or if it’s a special power that only our appendages possess.

In case any of you are feeling a little offended by scenario two’s participant, forgive me for my brusqueness. Myself, having recently been a victim of scenario one, am feeling a little bitter. At first, I found it amusing to laugh at peers with similar tales of late-night fire alarm woe, but it became quite a different, and less humorous, story when I was the one telling it. By all means, work hard and play hard. All I ask, in the name of myself and all others who call it a night a few hours before you do, is that when you make your way back to your room, please keep your hands off any objects that bring about a high-pitched screeching sound.

As a side note, I would like to add that if you fall under scenario two without the influence of alcohol, part of the $43,000 that you pay a year goes to excellent psychological counseling via the Conant House. They should be able to help you cope with problems letting go of your childhood.

We’ve got a great thing going on at Colgate. We’re some of the smartest, coolest, hottest people in the country. Let’s just try to avoid being the crankiest as well.