A Liberal Finally Sees The Right!

This is a historic day in Colgate political history. This liberal – shooting from the left – has changed parties. I am now a registered Republican! Yes, I’ll admit this is shocking. After all I did call the Republican Party “a pack of radical religious fanatics” only months ago. But I’ve realized that George W. Bush’s party represents my best interests. Why the change of heart? First of all, I realized that I wanted to fit in more at Colgate. I felt my membership in the Democratic Party was just not classy enough. I needed to do something. After all, I don’t drive a Range Rover, I don’t “summer” in Maine, and I think popped-collars are idiotic, so I had to find some way to fit in here. Enter the Republican Party. This shift in political allegiance has helped me find my snobby niche here at Colgate. Next, I took a quick look at the policies of the Republican Party. They give generous tax breaks to the corporations I will likely be working for some day. That’s gotta be good right? I also realized that I’ll want to be making a lot of money. The Republicans give tax breaks to the wealthy Americans! I also hate lazy people, which makes me against welfare. These bums should stop taking my money and get a job. I shouldn’t have to care about the plight of some impoverished group. These down on their luck people should stand on their own two feet. To remedy this, I think those Americans who collect welfare should be thrown in jail. If they’re not contributing to society, get these people out of here. Speaking of jails, we need more of them. More bars and more walls are the key to making America’s streets safer. Convicted of petty theft? A good 50 years in jail should be enough time for you to mull over that mistake. As for the death penalty, I’m definitely for that! We need to be killing more criminals. They’re wasting our tax dollars … hell they’re wasting our air. Get rid of ’em!I’ve also decided that the Republican Party represents my newfound religious beliefs. As a devout Christian, I would love to see a biblical world view of America imposed on all non-Christians. Wouldn’t it be great to have prayer in school? We should also have prayer in restaurants. Americans don’t say “Grace” enough – the federal government should mandate this show of appreciation to God. Everybody knows Jesus Christ died for our sins – we ought show some freakin’ appreciation.Finally, what discussion of the Grand Old Party would be complete without mentioning our commander-in-chief President George W. Bush. First of all, I have to say he is quite the cowboy! That “dead or alive” speech was awesome – I’m sure Osama was peeing his pants. I also like the Axis of Evil thing. America should invade more countries. No, no wait, we should nuke the Middle East. What have those countries contributed to world society in the last 300 years? I’m also glad his wife Laura Bush is a traditional woman. This woman is seen and not heard. God bless her. The last thing we needed is an independent-minded strong first lady. So there ya have it. I guess I’ll have to change the name of my column now. I think “Shooting From the Far Right” will do. I’m glad I’m on the winning team. Go Bush! Go Republicans! Go Jesus! Go Supply Side Economics! Go Death Penalty! Go Conservatism!APRIL FOOLS! I hope this column has brought out the true backwardness and absudity of the Republican Party. Bush and Cheney are the real fools today becasue they actually beleive in this stuff!