Picking Up Colgate Girls Is Way Too Easy

Matt Taylor

Just the other day I was at this amazing DKE party when three fine girls come up and start hanging all over me. Now let me say, I really don’t mind this, but if they’re looking for friends, they should keep in mind I only like girls who are of my socioeconomic status. Of course being Colgate students, they were, so I didn’t mind spending a bit of time with these cute little hunnies. One of them though had a baby blue polo on without popping the collar, which pains me, almost as much as a deep anal cavity search. What are you thinking?! Always pop the collar! Uh, hello, we’re not poor here are we? Since her collar wasn’t popped I could only assume she was a high school kid or something, so I told her to get me another Keystone. After all I can drink beer the way an emaciated refugee rescued from a deserted island can drink fresh water. It tastes so good when it hits your lips! Anyway, the other ladies just sit there and purr in my ear “Oh you’re such a sweetheart. Thanks for getting rid of her, we hate that ho bag. Mind if we hang around you?” What is up with this? Can’t a man put a little work in every once in a while? I may be sporting a Burberry pink popped polo but that does not mean I just want you to hang all over me. And just because I’m a freshman and drive a 7series BMW does not mean it’s parked out front of this party so I can give just any girl a ride up the hill. I put my lacrosse stick in the back to make it look like I don’t have room for you, so take a hint! Then the other day I was dancing with this fine Theta babe at the Jug and for a minute I thought, “Man I could totally have a relationship with this girl. Maybe Dad will send up his jet so we can fly home together for Thanksgiving. I can’t wait to make my ex back home jealous with what fine women I’m continuing to get.” But then I snapped back to reality faster than my chiropractor can say “Shut up!” I mean, c’mon, there is no way I’ll be settling down for a long time. It’ll be at least junior year until I find a broad good enough to spend more than a week with. Girls are so fickle, and besides right now sexual energy is running through my veins like a kid without his Ritalin. Maybe when my Investment Banking job comes through I’ll pick a fine ass girl to be with. Until then, I’m going to live it up here! I’ve got to bounce, a DU brother needs me to help out with the kegs for tonight, and it’s already 11:00 p.m. The fake hasn’t seen action in two days and it’s getting lonely!