Why is a holiday geared largely toward pre-pubescents on a sugar high also an excuse to skankify any possible occupation? Of course, we all expect the Halloween regulars – nurse, cheerleader, schoolgirl (choose between Flirty, Playful, Sexy, or British [?] variations) – but what about the assortment of seemingly innocent costumes that every year take us by surprise? My “research” for this article involved googling “slutty Halloween costumes” and visiting websites like forplaycatalog.com. Said quest revealed such previously unknown-to-me treasures as: Sexy Referee, which entails the tiniest striped jumpsuit I’ve ever seen, and forces one to – have I ever had any sexual thoughts about a referee? Or take the “Sweet as Honey” bee costume I found on a different website, which was about the size of an insect. I mean, people dress up their toddlers in bumble bee costumes. But just because it’s nearing October 31, even the bee is up for sexification. Where will be a few years from now, when outfits like Sexy Broadway Tuxedo, Dr. Feelgood, and Boxer Babe have lost their luster? I can just imagine the next wave of costumes, sure to include gems like SAT Proctor Gone Wild or Sexy Moses. It’s also acceptable not to don an ostensible costume at all and just dress like a hooker, which is why forplaycatalog.com sells Flirty 2 pc. Set and Mini Dress as “costumes,” not lingerie, which is what they resemble. And although costume creativity is always welcome ’round Halloween time, it’s just as adequate to show up in a tiny white tube dress and call yourself an angel, or wear a short black halter dress and call yourself a cat. Costume websites also have the habit of juxtaposing normal costumes with their slut-ified sisters. Although some sites offer a separate link for sexy costumes, others prefer the shock tactic approach. One minute you’re considering a perfectly conservative red riding hood cape. But just a mouse scroll later, Little Red version two is sporting that same cape, hot pants, and not much else. It’s like maybe you’ll just decide to buy Slutty Witch Costume instead of the normal black garb if the fake tan boobs model stares at you seductively enough. I’ve also noticed that “teen” seems to be a keyword for slutty. Like do you want to be a Red Devil or do you want to be Teen Red Devil? If the less-is-more costume trend continues, next we’ll be choosing between Teen Red Devil and Jailbait Red Devil. Or, This is Only Legal in Nevada Red Devil. The costume descriptions also manage to make the most innocent thing seem dirtier than a frat floor basement on Sunday morning. The Teen Waitress outfit description will say something like, “Don’t forget to change the filter before serving up a hot steamy cup o’ Joe.” You hafta read it like that, in italics, and you’re just thinking ewww! when really it’s like, what does that even mean? Or what does any of it really mean? I could try to parley this costume obsession into some metaphor about the facades we present in relationships. But Halloween isn’t about relationships, or about metaphors, or about anything real. It’s about a night of pretending. So dress up – or down – and be someone else for a while. You can take off the bunny ears in the morning.