Several Sincere Regrets From One Colgate Student

Things I Must Apologize For: To the drunken passer-bys, who were minding their own business Saturday night, 2 a.m., outside Stillman Hall: I apologize for pelting you with tennis balls. You did not deserve it, I am sure. I appreciate that you were only moderately angry. Luckily, my friends and I did not mistake ourselves, in our stupor, for Russian aristocrats, and therefore, be glad we were chucking tennis balls, instead of empty vodka bottles. To my roommate, Sophie, who makes me laugh like no other: I apologize for falling asleep while you were vomiting. I should have held your hair and whispered kind words of encouragement, but I was really tired. To Mary-Kate Olsen, who should not be confused with her untalented sister, Ashley, who didn’t get an Emmy-nod, I apologize for thinking that you were anorexic. I realize now, that you were only a crack addict. To the kid who fell down a flight of stairs outside Perrson. I apologize for laughing at you, but you weren’t hurt, and it was very funny. I suppose, however, that I could have refrained from starting the applause that followed your tumble. To the drunk girl flirting with me last Wednsday night, I apologize for not being a lesbian. To Ben Affleck, who has the most endearing smile, I apologize for saying you have no talent. Maybe you can act (who am I to judge?) but in choosing scripts- oh dear! Daredevil? Gigli? And now what looks like another colossal splat akin to Alec Baldwin degrading himself in ‘The Cat in the Hat’: ‘Surviving Christmas.’ You can write ’em, Ben, but you can’t choose ’em. You and Matt should hang out more- his Bourne money is still rolling in, and will be for many years. This year, it’s all about bulging muscles and amnesia. To my friend Alison, who is a sweetheart: I apologize for leaving you alone with that Rugby player. He was so cute, we completely forgot our one cardinal rule: never bop a rugger! To John Kerry, who is growing in my esteem day by day, I apologize for thinking at one time that I might not vote. When you stand next to that monkey and he says things like ‘absolute terrorism’ and ‘we work hard’ and you try not to laugh, my fingers itch for the ballot box. To anyone who I have stalker-facebooked, I apologize, but you must realize that we are a lovely family community here at Colgate, and I probably think you’re really hot. To my parents, who are paying 40,000 dollars for me to be here: I just apologize.