#ColgateProblems: Geese Have Got to Go

Hello Colgate! I hope you are enjoying all this campus has to offer this fall. In my opinion, autumn is the most wonderful season here at Colgate. The valley trees are bursting with vibrant reds and oranges, the air is crisp and clean and the lattes are pumpkin spice flavored. It is not too cold yet, so no need to break out the parkas and Sorels, yet cold enough to wear a baggy sweater and leggings every day and call it fashionable (when we all know it is just an excuse to be very comfortable). If you are among the select few who have escaped sickness, walking to class is still mildly enjoyable, and the crunch of leaves beneath your feet seems to complement the sun beaming off of Taylor Lake in a peaceful yet brilliant way.

But wait… what is that noise? The incessant deep-throated honking of geese interrupts your fall daydream. They are loud, angry and very aggressive. They block pathways when they meander without a care in the world, and yet when I venture to pass, minding my own business, they flap their wings in self-defense, making me feel threatened. Did you ever play that game when you were little where you had to pretend parts of the floor were lava? That is how I feel when I have to avoid goose droppings on my daily walk to class. Also, and feel free to correct me if I am wrong, but they seem to have multiplied exponentially since last year. A vast bird army has assembled itself on Taylor Lake, and the consequences are getting to be a little too much for me. 

Maybe I am taking this out on the geese because I am stressed about midterms. It could also have something to do with the lingering bitterness I feel towards the whole Adam and Steve situation that transpired last semester. For you first-years who do not know, we used to have two glorious swans that lived on Taylor Lake. They were perfect, with an air of mystery about them; I feel like they had a ton of secrets hidden in their ivory feathers that could never be understood by humans. 

Although I am frustrated, as are many of you, I believe in animal rights and I would never wish any harm upon the geese. The truth of the matter is that the geese are just trying to get by in a harsh world, much like we are. Sometimes they are scared, sometimes they get mad and sometimes they defecate all over high-traffic pathways. This is just instinctual. However, the geese are never lonely, because there are literally thousands of them, and they do not have to suffer the societal pressure of taking accountability for their obnoxious behavior. 

Colgate probably cannot afford to buy plane tickets for the geese to a sunny destination (this was my best idea). I think our best bet at this point would be to contact GeesePeace, which is a real organization dedicated to resolving geese problems in a humane way. You should look it up and bring it to the administration if you are really invested in this issue because I do not have time for that. In the meantime, I think we should all just accept the geese for what they are, give them their space and be kind to them. They will probably still be evil, but at least you have a clear conscience.