Hello, Colgate! So after being alive for some 20-even-years, I’ve come to an enormous realization: people are re­ally, really screwy. Shocker! We’ve got issues. No, I have not been concussed for these past 20 years. It’s just that last week, right around the time I shattered my favorite glass pencil jar and realized I’d run out of face moisturizer, I had this epiphany.

If we’re all rockin’ the first-world-problem-thing and are constantly hot (or not-so-hot) messes, then why not have some fun with our madness?

Life is way too short not to bog other people down with our troubles. I’m half kidding. Besides, who doesn’t love whining and getting advice for all their problems?

Well, then it hit me: it’s time we publicized this stuff! If Sarah Palin and the Kardashians can get away with it, so can we. Naturally, this Advice Col­umn was born.

Every week, I will do my best to help you with your most pressing questions and dilemmas, like how to snag that little lady in Sociology and finally stop sleeping through your 8:30.

Hence! I encourage you, Colgate, to contact me about what advice you’d like on whatever topic is keeping you up at night.

Fair warning: until your e-mails start bugging out my computer, I’ll be forced to sketchily listen in on your Coop conversations and harass my roommates about their weekend escapades. That’s just awkward for everyone involved, so hit me up ASAP!

One other important thing to throw out there before I begin: all question submissions will remain anonymous. And big, massive, larger-than-life disclaimer: I am in no way responsible for your life spiraling out of control if my advice fails.

I mean, let’s be real, it probably will. If you’re one of those people who are not up for the risk, I suggest you stop reading now. Otherwise, join me.

Let the shenanigans commence! I figured that to start this column off right, I’ve got to tackle the good mate­rial first; the classic issues that plague our daily lives. This week’s problem is courtesy of every single living, breathing, bro and biddy here.

Brace yourself! And the most hair-pulling dilemma in the history of Colgate is…drum roll…how in the name of all things true and fair can a kid be a consistent Jug God?’ (Moment of silence) Excellent question! There are many different parts to the answer, and I have thought long and hard about how best to tackle this monster.

In the typical Colgate fashion, I’ve come up with the “13 Ways to Win Win Win No Matter What … at the Jug.”

1. Lose that dignity! To navigate the Jug takes a genuine lack of self-respect. It’s a depressing truth, but hey, it is what it is.

2. Run the competition. I think we can all agree that the Jug is a pretty competitive place. In order to assert your alpha-male or female, the secret is to be just that much bet­ter dressed (or less dressed) than everybody else.

3. Down with (too much) selectivity. After all, Jug­gers can’t be choosers. Some discretion, however, is always advised!

4. Bring a buddy with you in case this advice fails.

5. Be open to the inevitable awkward moment when you turn around and realize the person you’ve been dancing with looks like they may as well have just had their face run over by the Cruiser.

6. Have a sense of humor. Particularly in the face of the above scenario which, I promise, will happen.

7. Guard that phone!

8. And that Gate Card.

9. And that black North Face.

10. Use the facilities BEFORE you go. It’s just not worth it.

11. Figure out whether the Cruiser comes on the hour or just after the hour BEFORE entering the Jug. If the weather forecast predicts snow, check twice.

12. Take no prisoners. Always push and shove while entering the Jug.

13. Never underestimate the power of the Jug.

Contact Shannon Gupta at [email protected].