It seems fitting that the last Minus the City I’ll ever write for the rest of my life (assuming I actually willingly graduate and don’t hold on to the Colgate sign for dear life as my parents attempt to drive me out of Hamilton on May 19) is about Spring Party Weekend. You see, after four years at this fine institution, I like to think of myself as a Spring Party Weekend expert. Sure, maybe for one reason or another that I won’t disclose here because MIND YA BUSINESS, I never actually made it to any of the big concerts, and fine, maybe there are a few hours (read: days) of my life that I’ll never mentally get back, but I’m pretty sure that those things make me the best person to go to for all of your SPWoes. Also, I was abroad last spring and didn’t have to suffer through the apparent snoozefest that was the Goo Goo Dolls last year so that counts as a win, right?

Think of me like a stork, but instead of bringing you children because that would be weird, I’m bringing you nuggets of pure SPW wisdom which, let’s be honest, is better than a baby anyway. For those of you who may not know, SPW is a time to overlook your need to sleep, generally overindulge and engage in frequent and rule-less tomfoolery (to put it gently). If you watch “Blue Mountain State” and can understand this reference, think Marathon Monday, but instead of just Monday, it’s more like Marathon Weekend (which, for some people, actually begins on Wednesday).

With that in mind, I’m sure you’re thinking how could you possibly survive a weekend-long event of this magnitude. Well, you’re in luck, because I know (mostly) everything there is to know about getting the most out of your SPW, and I’m feeling generous, so to ease your minds, here are some tips and tricks to make this weekend the best one yet:

Know your limits. Sorry, but might as well get the boring tip out of the way first (insert really bad “that’s what she said” joke here). It’s a long weekend, and some people can’t and don’t handle it as well as others. So, if for some reason you feel like you need to stop and take a breather, sleep isn’t always for the weak – find a quiet corner or section of grass and take a 30-minute power nap. Recharge your battery, drink some water, chase it with your morning Andre and get back out there, champ. I believe in you.

Beer isn’t always your friend. I’ve never been much of a beer-drinker, and I know that people are all for it because it keeps the party going without the potential train-wreck effect of pounding shots, but no one wants to make out without someone who tastes like Keystone. We just don’t. Especially people like me who don’t even like beer to begin with. Sometimes the “more girly” drinks like Mike’s Hard make the whole macking thing a little bit more pleasant. Just something to keep in mind.

You should probably buddy-system. I say this less for your personal safety (not that I don’t want you to be unsafe, because we’re all friends here, right?) and more for your dignity. Having a buddy by your side might stop you from taking that dip in Taylor Lake that may seem like a good idea at the time but in retrospect would just be gross and tetanus-inducing. Or, worse comes to worse, at least that buddy might remember how you spent your afternoon when you inevitably forget.

Just have fun with it. Save the beer tears for next weekend. There’s no crying in SPW (or baseball).

There you have it, my rowdy little Raiders! Heed that advice and you’ll be on your way to the most momentous SPW you’ve ever imagined. And, on a separate note, thanks for letting me embarrass myself with this column for the past few years; I never could have done it without all of your support. With that said, I can’t wait to see all of your shining faces around town this weekend. Let’s get weird.

Contact Sara Steinfeld at [email protected].