Minus The City: Put A Rubber On It

Paige Schlesinger

Technology. Science. Progress. These are some of the things that we take advantage of on a daily basis. Imagine writing a paper without the use of Google or Wikipedia. Or actually paying attention in class, instead of sneakily playing Candy Crush or checking your Twitter feed with your phone underneath your desk. Or, the absolutely terrifying idea of preparing a meal from scratch, when there wasn’t the option of

popping a Lean Cuisine into the microwave for dinner in four minutes or less.

However, at some point in time, we forget about all the good that these technological advancements provide for us and instead start focusing on the flaws. Like, “Wikipedia isn’t a reliable source,” or, “You shouldn’t be retweeting Weird Horse when your professor is going over guidelines for the paper.” Or even, “Eating something that came out of the microwave every day can’t possibly be good for you and you’re definitely going to go blind or something.” And now, unfortunately enough, it would appear that distaste is currently being thrust upon perhaps one of the most important inventions of the modern age: the condom.

Yes, it’s true. The war against condoms has begun. For whatever reason, people have seriously started to hate on the condom, despite the fact that it is, at times, the only thing preventing someone from contracting a life-threatening illness, like an STD, or motherhood. But the real question is, why? People will throw out excuses left and right to avoid using protection. These excuses range from the logical, to the pathetic, to the flat out absurd. Therefore, it is important to understand and deconstruct these tactics before they actually occur, so that you are fully prepared to provide a solid and sound counterargument. For the sake of positive sexual health, science and America.

Excuse No. 1: “It feels better without it.” Unfortunately, as someone who possesses only female genitalia, I cannot speak about the legitimacy of this claim. However, I will say one thing: penises do not seem to be an especially “picky” creature when it comes to things they do and do not enjoy. I mean really – hasn’t everyone seen “American Pie”? Boys are willing to stick it into pretty much anything, whether it be a human orifice or a baked good. It will feel better without a condom on? Yes, perhaps. But you know what won’t feel good at all? When I kick you in the balls after I find out you gave me the clap.

Excuse No. 2: “Don’t you trust me?” If you are a male between the ages of “birth” and “death,” then no, by definition, I do NOT trust you. And, on that same note, why are you so trusting of me? I could just as easily give you some kind of creepy illness. True story: a very good friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) intentionally spread a rumor that she had chlamydia (don’t bother asking why). She was successful in that the rumor did spread and even got full-circle back to her. The scary part though – people STILL tried to have unprotected sex with her even when they thought she was infected. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!? Trust is like the extra Slices tokens that you got from your thesis project; only give it out to people who earn it.

Excuse No. 3: “Condoms are expensive.” El. Oh. El. This is perhaps my favorite/least favorite excuse of them all. Especially considering that the people who use this excuse most often do it while carefully removing their Vineyard Vines boxers with the little whales on them that Mommy ordered online and had delivered to the Hamptons house over the summer. Condoms are expensive? You know what’s more expensive? How about getting treatment for an STD? Or an abortion? Or raising a damn child?!  You can get condoms for free at a lot of different places on this campus, including the Health Center, Women’s Studies, etc. The more you know.

So enough. Stop making excuses. If someone asks you to put on a condom, just do it. If you ask someone to wear one and they say no, don’t settle. It’s their loss anyway. To close with some words of wisdom from my mother, “Be smart. Be safe. Xoxo.” And as always, stay sexy, my friends.