#ColgateProblems: Coldgate

Welcome back, Colgate! I hope everyone had a relaxing and Netflix-filled break. I wish I could say it’s good to be back in Hamilton, NY, but it is not. It is -20 degrees Fahrenheit and everything is miserable. I have not left my apartment in three days save for attending class and picking up snacks and frosty beverages. While I imagine some of you are brave enough to actually move around in this tundra (apparently people have even been going to the gym), I can’t understand what would possess you to do so. Surely the majority of you feel me. Rather than give you tips about how to motivate yourselves, I’ve decided to lend you some more reasonable advice: how to stay sane without leaving your living space. Thanks to three- and-a half inhuman Colgate winters, I have compiled a list of five ways to do this.

First, buy out Price Chopper. Before you can commit to being a hermit, you must ensure that you have enough hearty foods to last you at least a month. Think of it as an end-of-the-world shopping trip. There are three must haves: red meat, Kraft mac and cheese and fruit snacks. I know some of you are thinking, “Wow, this list sounds unhealthy,” and it is, but it is also necessary. Why red meat? The cold wind will always find its way through your windows, and without some steak or chili to keep you warm, you will die. If you are a vegetarian, you should reevaluate your life choices. Kraft mac and cheese is also important, especially if you can’t cook or if you live in a dorm. Not only is this dish comforting and delicious, but all you need is a microwave, water and a spoon to make it. It’s like a more mature, dignified Ramen noodle, but with all the tasty artificial ingredients we know and love. Last but not least, the fruit snacks. These little pouches are packed with vitamin C and perfect for munching on while watching your favorite television shows, which leads me to my second tip.

Re-watch all the shows. Staying inside for more or less two months can occasionally get boring, so it is crucial to keep your brain excited. The best way to go about this is to pick a show you’ve always enjoyed (I personally adore “Parks and Recreation”) and watch it all over again from Season One. If you watch four episodes a day, you’ll keep your mind happy, somewhat healthy and entertained. Caution: binge-watching may lead to dreams,  and serious desires to, become friends with the show’s characters. Embrace it.

Third, take vitamin D supplements. Vitamin D is one of those vitamins you can really only get from sun exposure, but ain’t nobody got time for that. Substitute the sun with a daily pill and your body will thank you. If you don’t want to go on a second Price Chopper trip, you can always order a bottle off of Amazon. Spinach and other green vegetables are also good sources of vitamin D, so perhaps consider ordering a spinach, bacon and meatball pizza from Oliveri’s. Better yet, get a friend to pick you up a Hippiecrite sandwich from the Hamilton Eatery.


Fourth, re-decorate your room. Switching up the scenery can be very entertaining and it’s also a quick, cheap way to keep your eyes inspired. I suggest ordering a few posters of wintery landscapes and trees. It will almost make you feel like you’re outside! Redecorating is also decent exercise since it requires you to, you know, move. 

Fifth, online shop. This is perhaps the most wonderful past time in all of history. It doesn’t matter if you have all the money or are on a ramen noodle diet, you can find love on www.allposters.com (I recommend this one for step four above), www.forever21.com, www.tobi.com, www.americaneagle.com, www.lids.com, and all of the other websites out there. If you do decide to buy, be sure to first sign up for the website’s mailing list and wait for a free shipping offer. The savings are worth it.

That’s all I’ve got for this week. Until next time, you stay sassy (and indoors), Colgate!