Hello again, Colgate! As this is the beginning of the last semester for which I will be

writing this ever-informative and joy-inspiring column, let’s skip all the niceties and get

right down to it.

The Tinder craze has officially hit my apartment. Okay, maybe just my room. Now,

before you all judge, I know that at least half of you have it as well because I’ve seen you

on it. (Swipe right, “amirite?”) Anyways, my short time on this endlessly amusing but

also slightly terrifying app should never ever be made public under any circumstance.

So, in the spirit of Christmas (a month late, but there are still Christmas lights up in my

living room so save your criticism for someone who pays more attention to the calendar),

here are five tips on how to have the best Tinder experience ever. Author’s note: these are

based on my experience only and you should never follow this advice unless you’re okay

with embarrassing yourself in front of strangers.

Nail the tagline. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people have messaged me to

tell me that they think my tagline is hilarious. (Yes I can. There were two.) It’s the perfect

way to display your personality in 500 characters or fewer, so basically it’s helping to

prepare you for writing your personal statement for your grad school apps. Who knew

Tinder could have real-life applications? Highlights that I’ve seen include: “Just trying

to find my Tinderella” and “Promise to lie about where we met.” So get creative, and

you’ll be raking in the matches faster than you can say, “Why the hell am I doing this?”

Don’t drunk Tinder. Ever. Because there’s nothing more disturbing than waking up

on Sunday with 12 new matches with guys whose pictures include shots of them holding

a strangely small shark or taking shirtless selfies that were clearly done while standing in

a public bathroom. Unless you’re into those kinds of things. In which case, bottoms up.

In the wise words of Amy Poehler, lower your expectations. Because it’s more likely

than not that their taglines include serious grammatical errors or blatant misuses of the

English language in general.

Brush up on your pickup lines and fun facts. Fan favorites range from, “Did you

know that polar bears are left-handed” to, “On a scale from one to America, how free

are you tonight?” One of the two may have led to a marriage proposal, so, you know,

these bad boys have been road-tested for your personal enjoyment and ultimate success.

I share because I care.

Don’t solely use group photos. Seriously, don’t. It’s extremely confusing and I feel

weird messaging you to ask which one of you is really you. Not that I won’t do that, but

I’ll just feel weird while I do it. Also, this is the most innately superficial app that has

ever graced my iPhone, so please don’t make me have to try. If I wanted to do that, I’d

just go on JDate.

And that’s that, dear readers! If these helpful how-to’s don’t make you want to bring

yourself down to my level of shameless man-judging, then I don’t know what will. Just

remember: safety first, and when in doubt, just swipe right.