Men, this is a 500-word compliment. At times it may seem like a 500 word insult, but I’m a sweet girl who wants to see you succeed, so stick with me and this article will look up. But first, I’m going to need to give you the tough love. For the most part, you are all so devastatingly boring I could cry. Let me rephrase: the way you present yourself because you think it’s cool is so devastatingly boring I could cry. Here is what I don’t like about you: the prep school you most likely came from, your position in your friend group, the amount that you can drink and the frat you probably belong to. Now, can you tell me why those are the areas of your life you seem to find confidence in?

Why not take pride in the laundry list of actually sexy things about you? For one, you’re really smart. I don’t care if you are not in Konosioni, there is a baseline of intelligence required to get into Colgate that you meet, which is no small feat. You get homesick, even if it’s just for the burrito place near your high school. You had a first car and a first kiss and have an opinion about whether or not “Breaking Bad” is worth the hype (which it clearly is). And something made you approach me and ask to buy me a drink, so I like you because you like something about me. 

You have the means to be so interesting and appealing, but right now you are just easy. Not “easy” in the sexual meaning of the word, but easy in that, when I start talking to you, I can predict exactly which way the conversation will go. I don’t care that you will most likely be in a fraternity next year or that the girl across the bar is staring at us because you got her into bed freshman year and she still pines for you. If those things are truly important to you, then we will never work out. But that’s just a difference in our priorities and not a fault of yours because at least you’re expressing your values. But are these the qualities you really think are going to make me want you? Are they what you want me to want you for? I think we both know that we are better than that. Both of us deserve a challenge, good conversation and the opportunity to get to know one another.

It’s really scary to put yourself out there, especially the truest version of yourself. When you do that, it’s you who gets rejected, not your Sperry’s. Every time someone doesn’t laugh at your joke or find you compelling, it’s a microscopic heartbreak. It stings. But when you present your true self, you earn the positive attention you receive. It’s you who gets the girl, a phone number or a kiss. That’s a huge confidence boost, and all of you have the tools to pull it off. You just have to quit wondering about how it looks on the outside. Be a real person. It’s sexy.

Contact Caroline Hurwitz at [email protected].